CRIPPLING SELF IMAGE
Everybody's Uncle,
I am a 26 years old girl. I am pretty as people told me, but I hate myself.
I am from a broken home though my mother loves me much and I love her a lot ..but I hate my father he is the only enemy in my life and he destroyed me and made me hate myself and lack self - confidence.
I feel that I am a loser in everything.
I don't have friends or someone to love.
I am an addict to masturbation, which makes me feel worse about myself. I had a very bad relationship with someone who didn't deserve me. He wasn't at my level socially.
I don't know why I knew him but I guess that the reason was that I don't have another one and we had sex, which made me very uncomfortable with myself, especially that my mother didn't know about it and it ended up by "he left me" so that was the end of my life.
Career-wise I am unable to communicate correctly with the people around me. So please help me and tell me what to do.
Many thanks for your support
(Lacking Self Confidence)
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Dear LSC
[I will answer your inquiry line by line]
I am a 26 years old girl. I am pretty as people told me, but I hate myself.
[A pretty 26-year-old young woman has a great start toward building a positive self-image. Let's start there and build]
I am from a broken home though my mother loves me much and I love her a lot ...but I hate my father he is the only enemy in my life and he destroyed me and made me hate myself and lack self - confidence.
[Your father might well have been a very negative influence in your life and totally responsible for your broken home. But he did not destroy you. Your inability to rise above your circumstances is the culprit. Not many people have perfect parents or flawless upbringing. Virtually all of us have to fight off the "demons" of our youth. Granted, some "demons" are bigger than others, but it comes down to who will fight and who will fold.
You MUST decide to disconnect with your past or your anger will keep you in a consuming state of misery. It might be easier to blame someone else than to fight the battle, but if you want out of the hole you are in, you have to observe the first Rule of Holes. "If you are in one, stop digging."
The second Rule is, "Start climbing."]
I feel that I am a loser in everything.
[You employ the word "feel." Stop allowing feelings to control your life -- give logic the reigns.]
I don't have friends or someone to love.
[There is a great old song entitled, "I Gotta Be Me." The lyrics ask, "How can I be right for somebody else if I'm not right for me?"
If you hate yourself, how can you expect others to love you? Who wants to be around a person that is "in the dumps" at all times? Consider the impact you have on people that are trying to deal with their own problems. Young adults associate with people that are fun, not crying towels.]
I am an addict to masturbation, which makes me feel worse about myself.
[Masturbation often challenges religious, cultural or family values. I cannot address those aspects in this forum. However, if humans die or go blind from masturbating, most of us would be dead or blind. There are schools of thought that say masturbation is normal and healthy. There exists a roaring debate over homosexual lifestyles but masturbation doesn't show up on many radar screens.]
I had a very bad relationship with someone who didn't deserve me. He wasn't at my level socially.
[These sentences are curiously ambiguous. Do you mean he didn't deserve someone as "good" as you, or as "bad" as you? What social level have you attained? You say you have no friends. Once again, you blame someone else for your situation.]
I don't know why I knew him but I guess that the reason was that I don't have another one and we had sex, which made me very uncomfortable with myself, especially that my mother didn't know about it and it ended up by "he left me" so that was the end of my life.
[Again, I cannot address sexual attitudes, but having sex at 26 is not unusual in our culture. That said, you should not do anything that makes you uncomfortable.
At the age of 18, legally, you no longer have to answer to mother. Shortly after age 18, you should start becoming your own person. Once you support your self and live on your own, you earn the right to make adult decisions -- including sex. At 26, your mother doesn't have to know about your sex life, nor should her mindset dictate yours. The apron string should have been cut a long time ago.
His departure did not end your life. You simply added that negative experience to an already gloomy mindset and perceived it as the end of your life.]
Career-wise I am unable to communicate correctly with the people around me.
[According to your own words: you are a daddy hating, mommy dependent, loser, with no friends, and self destructive attitudes regarding masturbation and sex, who can't communicate, and whose life is over. How well can anyone with that self image communicate?]
So please help me and tell me what to do.
Many thanks for your support.
(Lacking Self Confidence)
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LSC (Part Two),
Get away from mommy. Until you become your own person, you remain a child in many respects. Tragically, parent/child relationships become mutually damaging when parents won't let go and children won't move on. Strained relationships evolve wherein each unconsciously disconnects with social norms to justify what might be a mutually destructive bond.
There are an infinite number of book available relating to positive thinking and relationships of all types. Go to the bookstore and start reading. A competent, professional counselor will probably take Everybody's Uncle to task for "tough style." Look for a similar message in polite tones.
Examine your cultural, religious, and family values. High standards give us character but almost anything taken to the extreme can have dire consequences. Lighten up!
Sign up at a local gym. Take "pretty" to a new level and wallow in your personal achievement. Start liking yourself. Regular exercise, improved health and a very busy schedule can launch a new, satisfying, mindset.
Be professional in your work place. Leave your problems at home. Try to see yourself as others see you. Put on a happy face.
Serious mind searching and objective input from a broad spectrum of sources could bring comfort. Every day find something new about yourself that you like. Daily personal approvals are the building blocks that can change lack of confidence to booming self-confidence.
You have a lot of work to do. DO IT!
Everybody's Uncle