FRIEND OR BOY FRIEND
Everybody's Uncle,
My problem is that i have this guy frined...accually hes not just a friend hes my absolute best friend (thats a guy at least) i have known him for about a year now and when we first met we liked eachother right away.
For a while we went on and off about 3 or 4 times and in between all of them we dated other people. After we broke up the last time we decided just to be friends and it has been workin out great im his best firend thats a girl and hes mine thats a guy. but latly we have been flirting a lot more then we used to (we always did frist even though we r just firends but we never really felt anythin).
And just yesturday we were talkin online and we were just like being really honest with eachother. To tell you the truth i really do like him and no one in the world knows that not even my best friend tina!
anyways we were being really honest with eachother as always and we always confront eachother with how we feel about people but he doesnt know i like him secretly and we were joking around and he said somthin like "oh yes i want u" (just kidding around though...i think) and i said "oh yea i want u to!" but we were just joking aournd...we always joke like that and then he goes "u know if we are really honest i think that we know that we will most likly end up goin out again as a couple everyone thinks we will and if i really think about it we probably will" and i was like "yea probably"
and then that night i called him just becuase i was bored and he was at his friend alex's house and we were talkin for like 3 hours about stupid stuff and flirtin like crazy. when we were on teh phone he was jokin around with his friend and he put a santa costum on and he put on a doo rag too and he goes "o im gangsta santa" and then my friend that was stayin over my house grabed the phone and asked "who is mrs. gangsta santa?" and he goes "uhh ask Jaime if she wants to be" and of course i said yes...
so know i cant figur out if we r only flirting alot more but he doesnt feel that way or if he does feel the same way i feel but he just wants me to say it first so what should i do? im really confused please help!!!!!!!!!!!
Jaime
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Dear Jaime,
Thank you for your inquiry. It is posted with minimum editing because there are always two messages in communications: The text itself and that which the style reveals about the writer.
[Jimism: Everything you are is in everything you do.]
The Uncle part of me recognizes (and enjoys) the "style" of your inquiry as the essence of teenage-girlism, The Teacher part cringes at the "casual" presentation sent in pink font.
For the benefit of all my younger nieces, here are some building blocks of a formidable mindset.
[Jimism] Men (especially teenage boys) are hormones and egos that want to be treated like babies.
[Jimism] Boys want sex: girls want romance.
One question quiz:
Q. How do you know when someone loves you?
A. They want the best for you. Not them - you.
Parents have to set guidelines for dating.
Uncle guidelines:
If dating is participating in school activities, group activities, or responsibly supervised gatherings - fine.
If dating includes unsupervised time in comfortable places - out of the question.
On my radio show I present no credentials, but claim expertise in how men/boys think.
I'll bet you know that boys will go as far as girls allow and brag in exaggerated terms about their conquest. I'm sure you've heard those stories. One of my youngest nieces told me about an eighth- grader that has been pregnant three times.
My nieces have to make choices. Bad choices are made when teens have privacy, and hormones take over. Good choices are made when conduct and consequences are weighed with family values and logic. Remember, your conduct impacts you and your parents - those pains in the neck that want the best for you. What will rule, good judgement or roaring hormones?
All decisions should be made by YOU - not him, not his hormones, not peer pressure, not alcohol, not the back seat of a car - YOU! Straightforward discussion with parents or respected, trusted, responsible adults that want the best for YOU is a must.
Harmless flirtation can be a lot of fun for teenage girls. Steady dating is flirting with disaster.
Scroll down and read some of the Personals from people of ages teens through seventies. The Home/School section has some suggestions on negotiations between parents and kids. If you think I'm tough on kids - read my advice to parents on how to talk to their kids.
Please share this site and the mechanisms suggested with your friends and parents. Some of the bargaining tactics are difficult for reasonable parents and kids to deny. Use them as a format for mutually rewarding relationships.
Some say that there is no such thing as friendship between boys and girls. Most romances destroy friendships. Want to keep a boy as a friend - avoid romance.
Everybody's Uncle
FRIEND OR BOYFRIEND continued... August 16,2003
Everybody's uncle
hi,
its me Jaime agian...thanks for all of the facts about boys and parents and all of that but u still didn't answer my questions: should i tell him how i feel or not?... this time please give me a yes or a no and why you picked that...dont get me wrong am very thankfull for all of those helpful facts but Chris is not
like that... he wont go very far with girls the farthest he has been is just a make out and i know that he wont go any farther beleave me i am his best friend i know. .. his old girlfriend wanted to go farther but he didnt want to...well he wanted to but he didnt nad thats becuase he is not that type. So please
answer my question
thanks,
Jaime
p.s. please tell me a simple yes or no and why you pikced that answer now that you know that he is not
that type of guy. thank you...
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Dear Jamie,
You are correct I did not answer your question with a simple yes or no. It is difficult to make yes or no decisions when so little information is provided. I try to provide a foundation from which my nieces and nephews can learn to make wise choices for themselves. It is more important that you learn HOW to think because Uncle Jim can not be there all the time to think for you.
To your credit, you are deferring a decision to someone that wants the best for you. But why not mom or dad? Let me state the obvious. Parents have difficulty in accepting behavior that violates their family values. Kids often lie about or conceal activities like smoking, cheating on tests and interaction with the opposite sex. Bet you knew that! Test your own hide-out status. Will you show this exchange to your parents hmmmm.
Uncle Jim sets the highest priority on honesty.
[Jimism: If you lie to me, I won't know who you are. If I don't know who you are, I can't help you.]
Your request is honest and provides some insight as to the parameters you have for "dating." Let me give you some food for thought. We all know that honesty is the best policy - but then there is that Santa Claus thing. Calculating who should know what and when they should know it is a challenge for parents and kids alike.
You said that you and Chris have been more than friends in the past. He already knows you like him - no? Remember I told you that boys are "hormones and egos." Boys, playing to their egos, will interpret a polite handshake as high flirtation and birthday peck on the cheek as a marriage proposal. Telling boys that you like them is open for any interpretation their egos demand.
[Jimism: It's not what I say: It's what you hear.]
I will accept that Chris displays some character by keeping his hormones under control. However, in the long run - hormones win. This is why I suggest no privacy for dating teenagers. Lack of parental overview and a very permissive society has resulted in pregnant ten-year-olds. Trust me, hormones win.
Now, to answer your question directly.
There are two conflicting elements in your decision, honesty and tactics.
If he doesn't know you like him he is on another planet.
If he does know, (and he does) you don't have to tell him.
If you don't tell him, he has to continue the flirting game (and he will) and that puts you in control.
I want my nieces to be in control.
DON'T TELL HIM!
Is that direct enough?
Here if you need me,
Everybody's Uncle
