Out of Control Stepdaughter
Dear Uncle Jim,
I'm a stepfather of a 16 1/2 year old girl who's bright, pretty and should have
everything going for her. But that's where the good part ends.
She totally disrespects her mother due to her leaving her birthfather over 10
years ago. She says she "has no mother" and her "mother" was nothing more than an "egg for her to hatch." Her room is a complete mess, with pets, clothes
and dirty dishes everywhere.
I've been paying her local phone bill but she recently figured out a way to abuse that by using 3-way calling and Star 69, neither of which are included in her
plan. She can't even function to do simple chores like taking out her garbage or putting dirty dishes in the dishwasher.
All she does is take, take, take and never gives anything back. I've been giving
her the benefit of the doubt, but I've seen her continue to defy us. My wife and I are at our wits end with her because we really don't know what to do anymore.
We've thought about disowning her, but don't know if we can legally, or do we have to wait until she's 18?
Kurt
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Here is a line by line response.
Dear Kurt,
I'm a stepfather of a 16 1/2 year old girl who's bright, pretty and should have everything going for her.
[Bright and pretty are tools used for better or worse. Con men and businessmen are often very attractive people that use their appearance to accomplish very different goals.
The Thinking Zone recognizes "the pretty girl syndrome." Pretty girls often discard boys because so many are attracted to their good looks. Instead of
developing mature relationships and personal character, they simply say "next." Problem: when a mature man takes the bait he soon realizes that his pretty lady is entirely self-centered, and moves on.
In the parent/child paradigm, the same pattern develops. The child disregards the rules because there is no down side. The parent sees a self-centered child and, in effect, wants to move on.]
She totally disrespects her mother because she left her birthfather more than 10
years ago.
[No, she disrespects her mother because she can get away with it. Where is dad?
Has she ever lived with him? Can he control her? Is he in her life? If so he
should reinforce the new rules.]
She says she "has no mother" and her "mother" was nothing more than an "egg for her to hatch."
[She sounds bright so we can appeal to her intelligence. Usually kids say, "I didn't ask to be born."]
Her room is a complete mess, with pets, clothes and dirty dishes everywhere.
[Establish CREDIBILITY! Create a common front. Lead by example. No yelling! How can you ask a child to control herself when she perceives you as a
screaming maniac? Your own self discipline will serve you well in the future and provide a positive example in the current negotiations.
Order her to clean her room. Give her a few days to ponder your new posture. Put her on notice, "Either you clean it or I clean it!"
Unless you get cooperation, remove the phone, computer, toys, farm out the pets, leave only a bed, (better yet a sleeping bag) and three changes of clothes. This will get her attention.
Count the days to her 18th birthday (eviction day). Tape the number on her bedroom door and change it daily. This improves your self-discipline and
reminds her without nagging. The new rules will confuse her but reward, punishment and tough love replace the unstructured parent/child war.
Options:
Call your local police. Explain your situation. A problem child is not uncommon these days. The police may pay a visit to your home and/or put her in a holding cell for a few hours.
Call her school. Teachers will go the extra mile when they work with parents.
Books and counseling are available
Tell her about Boot Camp, a military type environment that takes on the really
troubled kids. I don't recommend Boot Camp, but it is okay to let your child know it exists.
Take charge! You have the position of authority, the money, the home and all
the goodies. Let her know, parents control everything; kids are rewarded or punished according to behavior.
Make clear-cut rules regarding curfew, grades, chores and the attending consequences.]
I've been paying her local phone bill but she recently figured out a way to abuse that by using 3-way calling and Star 69, neither of which are included in her
plan. She can't even function to do simple chores like taking out her garbage or putting dirty dishes in the dishwasher.
[As before, remove the telephone. She is ruling you. Take charge now! The
phone is a reward. Do not reward poor behavior.
In this period of family restructure, listen for words of acquiescence. What am
I allowed to do? Can I? Words of this type signal receptiveness and provide an opening for negotiation.]
All she does is take, take, take and never gives anything back.
[Take, take, take, is the natural result of give, give, give.
Jimism: It's not how many toys you have, it is the respect you have for the toys you have.
Kids have to understand that goodies are rewards not birthrights. Change the rules. Make them clear, and negotiate.]
I've been giving her the benefit of the doubt...
[What doubt? The kid is out of control.]
My wife and I are at our wits end with her because we really don't know what to do anymore.
[Try the suggestions and read my website.]
We've thought about disowning her, but don't know if we can legally, or do we have to wait until she's 18?
Kurt
[This is desperation talking. She is what you allowed her to become. Change your parenting and maybe you can save this kid and your sanity. Open every
discussion with recognition of her positive qualities and a statement of your love for her. Admit that you have failed her with policies like give, give, give. Set forth the new rules.
TELL HER YOU LOVE HER! Tell her everyday. Ask for a hug. When kids are in conflict with parents all feel unloved. The Universal Motivators are
reward, punishment, and LOVE. Use all three. Conclude every conversation with "I love you."
I have a one-question quiz for my nieces.
Q: How do you know when someone loves you?
A: They want the best for you (not them, you).]
Establish parental authority, crystal clear home rules, and credibility. Don't say anything you don't mean or won't enforce. Negotiate. Be a positive role
model in substance (credibility) and style (no yelling).
Parental self-discipline with reasonable, negotiated, strictly enforced child
parameters might bring peace to your troubled relationship. You love her. You want the best for her. Tell her. Good luck.
Everybody's Uncle
TATTOOED AND SORRY
Hi,
I have a dilemma, and would like some advice. I am a 20 year old girl,
living out of state at college. My mom has always expressed her distaste for tattooing, but 3 years ago I got a large piece tattooed on the bottom
of my leg and ankle. I have hidden this from my family for 3 years (not easily, but with much determination). We are taking a family vacation to
the tropics this winter, and I am not about to wear pants and socks everyday! I need to tell my family, but would like some advice on the
best way to do this. I know this will disappoint my mom so much, so I don't think I can tell her over the phone, and I don't want to wait until
just before our vacation, to tell her in person. My thought was to write a letter. Is this reasonable? Any help on how to present this would be much appreciated. Thank you,
Inked and indecisive
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Inked and indecisive,
Uncle Jim, like your mom, hates tattoos. The more visible - the more
I hate them. Why, you ask?
They are permanent. [Jimism: Flavor choices that are reversible.]
Now, you have no choice but to disappoint those that have invested
a lifetime of love and a lifeboat of money in your best interest. Parents tend to reward wise choices but withdraw from the counterproductive. Handouts, like college tuition and tropical
vacations, are not birthrights. Young people often fail to see the bigger picture.
Soon, a potential employer with a visceral hate of tattoos, might
pass over an applicant that mentions or shows a tattoo. Many people get them when drunk.
Twenty years from now, you will have a tough time convincing your children not to get tattooed.
Fifty years from now, you will have a huge faded blotch as testimony to your teenage "wisdumb."
I end my radio show with my signature sign-off, "Think and be formidable."
Tactics are factors in formidable presentations.
(Assuming this will not cause a heart attack.) Open, on the phone, with, "I have to tell you something you are not going to like. I know
you are going to be disappointed in me. But I have to tell you in person."
This usually sends parental minds to concern about drugs, pregnancy, expulsion, illness, and other nightmares. By the time
you get home and they have stewed in dire possibilities, a tattoo is almost a blessing.
Stress the fact that you are sorry for having gotten caught up in a
bad moment. Promise you will never get another tattoo as long as you live. Do not use phrases like, "Everybody has a tattoo." "Don't
you think it's cute." Do not attempt to rationalize your tattoo. The parental mindset is, "Only morons get tattoos." Don't fight it.
Stress your strong points. You are just as loving, healthy, devoted, appreciative, studious, whatever, and after the tattoo you had an awakening to parental generosity, wisdom - lay it on thick and throw
in a few tears. Parents fall for this con once in a while.
Warning, Uncle Jim types see through callow ploys in a heartbeat. You would be met with a touché of no tuition, no wedding, no
inheritance - "What family vacation?" - and a refocus on the concept of carrot and stick.
[Default Jimism: When all else fails, tell the truth.]
Parents usually don't stay mad. Take your punishment, if any, with apology, contrition and poise. Uncle Jim types notice this too.
Let me know how it turns out,
Everybody's Uncle
HEMORRHOID EMBARASSMENT
Everybody's Uncle,
I have a problem: A few days back, I decided to go to the bathroom like any regular person because I had eaten a lot so I had to go pooh. When I
was done, I wiped myself with toilet paper and it was hurting a lot and there was a bump there.
It kind of felt like a big pimple and I didn't really mind. Well, then before
going to sleep I remembered an episode of South Park when one of the kids gets a hemorrhoid so I decided to look it up online. I was right; it was
a hemorrhoid that I felt that day. I searched the Internet for a treatment but all of them were like creams which I had to buy and since I am
underage I cant buy them and like I don't want to tell this to my parents because I find it really embarrassing.
I was wondering if you would know of any treatment for it that is like any
household item because I really don't want to go through the embarrassment of telling my parents. And I wouldn't want to go to a doctor either because that would mean that I have to miss school for a
surgery and then everyone would be asking why I was absent and I would have to be making up excuses. I hope you understand.
-Person in Trouble
-----------------------------------
Dear PIT,
I understand that your embarrassment stands in the way of the best course of action. Of course you should tell your parents and get the best medical advice from a doctor. It is dangerous to self-diagnose
and self-medicate.
That said, I will give you my best judgements within your parameters.
According to my local pharmacist, there is no age requirement for
the purchase of over the counter medications for hemorrhoids. Assuming you have a simple hemorrhoid of the least serious classification - such creams advertise relief from discomfort.
Keep the area clean, very clean. Sanitizing wipes and special attention when bathing makes sense at all times but especially when that area is irritated. Wash gently - no harsh soaps or rough wash cloths.
Avoid spicy foods and all that greasy fast food. They can cause burning and discomfort.
Difficult bowel movements can aggravate the condition. A diet that
is conducive to proper digestion and soft elimination makes sense. Check with your pharmacist for helpful suggestions.
In cases of least concern, hemorrhoids come and go. If the condition
persists, professional help is essential.
Please reconsider talking to your parents about your situation. At some point, embarrassment has to yield to good judgement.
Women often develop hemorrhoids during pregnancy. Ask your mom about this. It may be a way to break down the wall of non-communication that is all too common and troubling in our culture.
None of the above is to be taken as medical advise - such advice can only be given by qualified medical doctors.
Good luck,
Everybody's Uncle
WORK OR WELFARE...
Everybody's Uncle:
I don't know what to do. For the last 3 years I have been struggling
financially. Let me just start by saying that I have 4 children. Two of which are currently living with me and two which are living with their father (not by choice).
I made a big mistake in my life by getting involved with a guy and because of his past history and because I continued to stay involved with him my children were taken from my home. Thus two of my children
went to go live with my dad and my stepmother and my other two went to go live with their dad. I no longer bother with this guy what-so-ever.
My children that were living with my dad and stepmother are now back home with me. I am working on getting my other children back, but of
course their dad is fighting me all the way. And not because he doesn't want them with me, but because he enjoys the child support that I pay him.
I have a really good job, but of course I don't bring home much because I pay so much child support. I lost my apartment and my car because I
can't afford them anymore. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't make it on my own.
I am currently with someone, but I am not happy. But I have no where
else to go, and I can't make it on my own. I do not qualify for assistance with housing or anything because I make too much. But in reality it is all going toward child support.
Is there any help for me out there, or should I just quit my job and go on assistance? By the way, I have been at my job for about 5 years and I
really love it. And it is a really good job, with good benefits. A job that I am really lucky to have.
Sometimes I just want to give up and go on aid and be at home all the
time so I can fight to get my children that are not with me back. Right now I can not financially afford to go to court, but if I didn't have a job
then I would get assistance with the court fees. I also would get assistance with housing instead of having to be with my current boyfriend
that I am not happy with. We are constantly fighting, but he helps me out and gives me and my kids a place to stay. So I stay with him out of convenience, but I don't want to do that anymore.
What do I do?
______________________________________________
Dear "What do I do,"
Your situation is a result of a long series of bad choices. Bad choices are made by those who fly by the seat of their pants instead of the
brain in their head. Your "pants" delivered four kids into unstable circumstances. Two with a man of "past history" to whom the court
awarded custody and two that went to your dad and stepmother.
You lost your apartment and car. You are living with your "current boyfriend" out of convenience and subjecting your children to an
environment where you are "constantly fighting," but they have a "place to stay." Now you want your other kids back and are
considering quitting a job you "love" to go on public assistance.
What to do!
First, recognize your history of bad choices and start making good
ones. Begin by eliminating a life on public assistance as a "choice." Welfare is a dead-end for you and your kids-period.
There are some positives in your life and some positions that can be
strengthened and employed to improve life for your kids and you.
You have a good job and some academic skills that can be developed. Your dad and stepmother have helped in the past.
Beg them to take the kids. Get the most modest apartment you can find for yourself or a cot in dad's basement, garage or under the sink if he will allow it. For a period of at least one year, no social life; no
bars, no drugs, no cigarettes, no boy friends, just a full commitment to your children. Get a part-time job to increase income. Stability is the key to getting your kids back.
Trust me, the world will notice the change from irresponsible to devoted parent. You may get an assist from those who notice the difference. A judge may be impressed enough to grant you the kids
and support from their fathers.
Difficult - yes.
Possible - make it happen.
Keep in touch,
Everybody's Uncle
(Unedited)
Everybody's Uncle,
I have a problem... I'm 15. I was recently asked out ny a 12 yr old and I
said yes so we were going out for 2 weeks and the one night he come on the computer and is like i cant go out with you any more my grandma
thinks youre too old he still has feelings for me and the same for me. I'm not the type of teenager who only uses guys for sex I think that's what
his grandma thinks of me and she only meat me once. What should I do ?
(Too Old)
---------------------------------
Dear Too Old,
Dating and sexual guidelines are set by culture, religion, and family. Generally speaking, all three frown upon, disapprove, or forbid a fifteen-year-old nearing womanhood dating a twelve-year-old
pubescent child. I agree with his grandmother. You are too old for him.
My personal standard for sexual activities between males and females identifies such conduct as adult activity, especially where
pregnancy is a possibility. When individuals are self-supporting, they become "adults" and EARN the right to make decisions about adult matters. Teenagers living with parents or responsible
guardians have an obligation to respect the guidelines set in the household. If you cannot accept the responsibility of a baby, under no circumstances should you be involved in the baby making process.
Here are some points to consider:
Condoms have a 15% failure rate.
Legally, to the best of my knowledge, neither of you have reached the age of consent.
Boys always have "feelings" for girls that provide sex.
Boys ALWAYS brag about sexual conquests. A 15-year-old is a conquest and a trophy for a 12-year-old boy.
Because boys make up stories, remember, "It ain't so until you say it is."
Take some advice from your uncle. Direct more of your attention to
education and talk openly to your parents or adults who love you and want the best for you.
Thank you for your honesty.
Here if you need me,
Everybody's Uncle
Everybody's Uncle,
I am doing some research on words derived after somebody such as
mesmerize (after Mesmer), sadistic (after Marquis de Sade), sandwich (after Lord Sandwich) etc.
Are there any other examples of words derived after someone?
Thank you,
Mary
----------------------------------------------------
Dear Mary,
Great inquiry! I am proud of your intellectual pursuit - the cornerstone of success.
If my memory serves me right, such derived words are called eponyms. I have encountered many groupings (including pasteurized and silhouette) but have never seen a comprehensive or complete list.
Try searching "eponym" on the Internet and check out the language section of a library or bookstore.
If you find a list or compile one (there will be hundreds if not
thousands) select your favorites and I will post them on this website will full credit to Mary. Perhaps such a list will be known as a
"marython" or a "maryponyment" or a "marypolexicon" in your honor.
Get back with that list,
Everybody's Uncle
Hi uncle,
It's me again. Once again I'm having problems with the teenagers in the
complex that I live in. Being that we have a lot of snow left from the blizzard, certain 16-year-olds wait until it gets dark (7:30) to decide to
throw snowballs at our front windows & later on at our side window. Naturally they run after doing it, but we have suspicions who they are
from past incidents. This has been going on since Monday (2/17). Every time we hear the bang from the snowball we get upset, fearful that the window will break someday. Wednesday night it happened again. My son
and I feel like grabbing these kids (which we know we can't).
My wife (who rarely gets upset) confronted these kids in the local chicken
take-out store. She pointed her finger in the instigator's face and firmly told them that we were going to call the police because we've had
enough and naturally one of the group said he wasn't afraid of the police. We called the cops that night, they couldn't come being tied up with more
important situations, and the next morning my wife finds her tire deflated. She wants to move, I don't because I don't want it to be due to kid's intimidation.
Happened again tonight (Friday 2/21); this time police showed up. One of the three kids (Fred) brazenly walked by my house while we were speaking to police. I pointed him out to police. They spoke to him on the
side. We then related, in person, what we have been going through. They took down address of second teen (Kevin), said they were going to speak
to him and his parent. They said we shouldn't feel regretful for calling them on petty matters like this because everyone deserves "the quality
of life" (I like that phrase, has a lot of dignity to me, would like to know where it came from though).
As we were speaking to police my neighbor (who is in his mid 60's, very
hyper, and more due to having a heart attack because of these incidents -- we're in our early 50's), who lives behind my house, said that when they pass my side window (and throw the other random snowballs), as
they're passing his house they literally bang, with their hands, on his window.
The third teen is the more evasive one (he's is the one running past my
window after throwing the snowball and banging on my neighbors window). He's the one who told my wife that he wasn't afraid of the cops. You don't know how my heart breaks every time I see my son and wife
jump up to run to the door to catch these kids. It really hurts feeling like my hands are tied, I feel like my whole world is crumbling because of
these little bastards. I'll admit to no one but you that it's made me feel like crying to see my family get nervous like that. This is why I've turned
to you because you've had very intelligent solutions in the past for me. We bother no one in our neighborhood, but this kid Kevin is the leader and
has a grudge against me because 4 years ago I chased him and his friends from playing on my lawn.
We have 2 cars, one that we have to park a block away, and he's been
responsible, I assume since we've never caught him, for deflating one of the tires and smearing the car with beans from the can, eggs, and jellied
pies. My wife is talking about moving, should I let these kids win and move for my wife and sons' sakes? (They've loved living here)(I've moved 3
times since I've been married & am not anxious about doing it again).
I'm basically macho but I don't like being put in this helpless position.
These kids are not as bad as they could be (weapons, fires, vandalism, etc.). I come from Brooklyn so I know the meaning of "tough kids". These
complexes are governed by a board member who tells us that their only advice to us is to call the cops. That's comforting but I never wanted to
be known to the police because of BS like this. We really don't want to sell this house, the area is too convenient and we've made 3 friends here. I
asked the police when does this end and she said it doesn't because these kids grow up and then others take their place. I assumed that, I just
thought that she would have a more reassuring answer. I'm not looking for trouble with these kids; they're throwing it my way. My wife wants to
find someplace this weekend to get away from this, that's how frustrating this has become.
I have a 22-year old son & he never acted like this. I don't want to come
home to find my windows broken. Can you please provide some answers to our dilemma, I just want to be able to hold my head up high again, I'm trying to be strong for my family.
Thank you. I'll be looking for your response.
Vinny
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Vinny,
Sorry for the problem you are having with teens in your neighborhood, but it is decision time. You have several options. Move, ignore, or fight. The kids target you because they know they
get under your skin. Approaching the kids with threats of calling the police hasn't worked - stop doing that. Similarly, yelling at them has only made things worse.
Jimism: "You have to do what works."
Here is a list of things that may help:
Show no signs of your irritation. Your discomfort is their pleasure.
Try to get some kids on your side. Volunteer at a youth center, sports organization, or religious organization. Hire a kid to do chores or errands. Be as generous as possible on Halloween. Buy the
promotional candy for school drives.
Engage the help of neighbors to keep an eye on the disruptive activities and to act in unison against the perpetrators and their
parents. The larger the group the more pressure you can bring.
Try to open a dialog with the parents of the offenders. Be pleasant and show concern not vindictiveness. Ask them to control their
children or you will be forced to take legal action.
If you decide to fight, you fight to win. Not easy when the offenders are teens and the offenses are low misdemeanors.
Buy some bright lighting to remove the cover of darkness.
Buy a video surveillance outfit. Check out the warehouse stores. You will have to invest some money, but a video of kids creating mischief
will eliminate all doubt in the minds of their parents and in court. There are systems with varying levels of sophistication and prices but it is a lot cheaper than moving. Maybe you and an adjoining
neighbor or a neighborhood committee can share the cost.
It is a fair bet that others in the complex have the same problem. Perhaps a "block watch" can be organized.
The police that respond to your calls can do little but speak informally to the kids and their parents. It comes down to your word against theirs. Videotape ends that.
There is a big difference between officer friendly at the door with an informal complaint, and Judge Judy on the bench with an incriminating video and a heavy gavel.
Good luck,
Everybody's Uncle
Dear EU,
I'm a mother of a 13-year-old who's becoming a little too curious.
He's been commenting on my body (mainly my chest). Also, he'll watch me undress. I don't mind if he sees me naked for a quick second, but he
asked if he could "touch". I told him he could take a little feel, but now he's been following me around and asking every time. I don't know if he's
just curious, or if he likes it. Should I talk to him or is this just a phase. What should I tell him?
-Mom with hormone crazed son.
''''''''''''''''''''''
Dear Mom with hormone crazed son,
Puberty can be challenging for child and parent. I am going to make the assumption that your son is not "hormone crazed," just a kid
that needs focus. A great role for mom is parent and counselor not sex object. You really don't want your son focusing on you as a sexual curiosity, fantasy, or target.
Talk with your son about anything he wants to talk about - keep the line of communication as open as possible. If he asks a question, give him a straight answer. Tell him that his sexual curiosity is not to
be directed at mom. Make it very clear that touching people's private areas is not permitted in our culture - that goes for mom's private parts too.
Do not embarrass him, make fun of him, or make him uncomfortable with mature discussion. Parents commonly find excursions into girlie magazines, sex manuals, videos, and masturbation among teenage
boys. Family values should set guidelines. Some parents allow one draw for soft-core materials but disallow the XXX variety. Many parents recognize masturbation as normal but insist it be a solitary,
totally private activity. Sexual experimentation is becoming more and more common among the very young in these modern times. Again, a clear explanation of family values and close parental
overview of teen activity is a must.
You are lucky; many kids never open up to their parents. Keep those lines of communication open - wide open. Dads make excellent
counselors; after all, they were teenage boys once. The male model hasn't changed much. Hormones, egos, and a want to be treated like babies underpin my blueprint - and you go from there.
Give your son love, good information, firm family values, lots of hugs and all should go well.
Here for both of you,
Everybody's Uncle
Everybody's uncle,
My problem is about my family life. I need more
privacy. I'm 16 and my mom doesn't give me any
privacy. If I'm in the shower, she'll just walk in
and do whatever she needs to. I feel awkward for her to see me like that. She's seen me erect and I try to get her to leave. I've asked her to stop
barging in, and she says since she gave birth to me she's not embarrassed and it's a mother thing. It's embarrassing for me. She'll walk in on me when I'm in my room and she just keeps disrupting my privacy.
What should I do? Could you write back to my email.
Thanks
(Unsigned)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Embarrassed,
Body privacy is cultural. Some cultures are naked, some bathe as families, some swim topless, some have very strict guidelines for male doctors tending to female patients, but our culture respects body privacy.
Your mother's lack of respect for your privacy in the shower challenges our cultural parameters and could be considered abusive. Imagine a dad who walks in on his 16 year-old-daughter in the
shower. There is no question in my mind that such conduct would be considered improper. What fate would befall a sixteen-year-old boy who walked in on his mother in the shower?
There are no precise guidelines for conduct relating to body privacy and functions. There was a case of a mother breast-feeding her 5 year-old-son. She was sent for counseling. There are families that
are nudists. These are extremes in our society. Procreative activities and bodily elimination are private activities in our society but some argue that these are natural functions and wholesome for all to view.
Your question has to balance three elements: cultural standards, family standards, and personal discomfort.
Your mother's conduct exceeds cultural norms and your comfort
level. In my judgment she should not barge in on you in the shower.
Here are steps you can take to make your point.
Show your mother this response.
Attempt to negotiate respect for your privacy in the shower.
Lock the bathroom door but be sure a key is available in case of an emergency.
Challenge her "mother thing" defense. Ask her to provide a list of parents that walk in on their teenagers in the shower. I know of none!
You could speak to a clergyman, a counselor at school, or child protective services to get some opinions.
My best judgment:
Mom's shower intrusions are entirely inappropriate and should
change immediately. If you press your case, she will experience public embarrassment if not legal consequences.
As for bedroom privacy: The norm is to knock before entering.
However parents have the right and obligation to oversee the contents and conduct in the room. Drugs, contraband, videos, magazines, forbidden activities and evidence thereof are fair targets
for parental overview.
Please show this response to your mom. I would like to hear her side of the story.
Let me know how you make out,
Everybody's Uncle
Hello,
I saw your site when looking for answers to my question. Maybe you can
help. I am 19 going on 20 this year. My father co-signed for me so I could get my first car. They told us that I had no credit record. Well, I
am trying to move out. I can well and beyond pay the payments. My father said that I could move out, but that the car has to stay. I have to
have that car in order to get from work and school. My question is, what can he do legally to me? My name is on the title, so isn't the car mine?
Can he take his name off the co-signer, because I have no credit record yet. (I just got the car about a month ago.) Can he take the car away?
Or am I okay as long as I pay my payments like I'm supposed to. Please help me, I don't know who to ask for information.
Thank you for your time.
(unsigned)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear unsigned,
There are two elements to address here.
First, car ownership.
If you are of legal age and are the only name on the title, you are the sole owner. The lien holder has a claim only if you default on payments. The co-signer can not arbitrarily remove his name and
obligation. The car is yours and there is not much dad can do about it. That is the part you wanted to hear.
Second, common sense.
You ask, "What can he do legally to me?
Legally, he can lock you out of his house, disown and disinherit you. Legally, he can point out your ingratitude regarding his assistance in getting a car for you. Legally, he can get a restraining order if you
visit or call against his orders. Get the picture?
Jimism: "Keep your eye on the bigger picture."
Is this "legal" confrontation with your dad worth it or wise? For all of
your life your parents have fed, clothed and sheltered you. And, helped you get a car that you could not have gotten without them. Now, you slap them in the face with your legal rights. Not smart!
Who would you turn to if you lost your job? Who will you expect to contribute to your wedding? Who will baby-sit your children? Legally, parenting ends at age 18. Good parent/child relationships
go on for a lifetime. That should be your focus, not car ownership.
Sit down with dad show him this response. Talk it over and look for common ground. You will need your parents many times over the
next few decades. They will need you too. There is no gain in breaking or straining the parent/child bond over this issue.
Here if I can help,
Everybody's Uncle
Everybody's Uncle,
I bought a mixer tap and got the plumber to fix it, I paid him his money but after a couple of days there was a leak. I then had to get another
mixer tap and have now actually paid twice the labor to the plumber. I have yet to return the first tap to the store, don't you think they should pay for the plumber for his labor on fixing the second tap?
(unsigned)
In a world of ethical perfection, yes -- realistically, no. A retailer should provide a part that is in good working order. If the part is
defective the retailer has an obligation to replace it, refund the price, or make some sort of adjustment. Respectable retailers provide replacements without a hassle. However, they have no
responsibility for the performance of the plumber you hired. That is a separate contract. Who could say with certainty whether the part or the plumber is at fault? One could make a case that the plumber
should have thoroughly tested the part and his installation as part of his service.
Everybody's Uncle
Everybody's Uncle, [Edited for clarity and EU standards]
I am 19 years old and I am stuck in a massive rut. I got nine a-c gcses at
school, went on to college, left college and took a year out.
I have always had a big problem organizing and motivating myself, but in the gap year became very psychologically detached from myself and
withdrawn from "normal" society and I literally have no life.
I am also very self-conscious; I have had acne for what feels like an
eternity. I find it difficult to put up with work, as I hate people seeing me as a miserable person. I cannot speak to people in the same way as I
used to so wherever I try to work I feel incapable of doing the job and getting people to like working and talking to me.
I went to do a university course recently, but ended up very lonely and
with no understanding of my course. I went there to escape my sad existence and try to meet interesting people of my own age to make me open up and become more interesting.
Instead, every time I went out or had to do work it just seemed pointless. In social situations I just stand about and follow people without
saying anything but another part of me knows full well that I am acting like a [dumb] head and that its not the way it should be. I can't see
anything ahead and I'm just stuck in a moment that drags on and on and on.
I do really want to die and that's not an exaggeration.
The only thing that keeps me going is my family which I've never really felt part of anyway.
Also I am very good at football and this gives me great satisfaction
because it's my chance to make other people look bad and show off. I'm not the type of lad you'd really associate with being skillful at sport but I am.
Being good academically at school was good also, but it was only because I had to go and do it that I did. I've had advice from lots of people saying,
"maybe you should stick to sport" or "do what makes you happy".
The truth is I really don't know what makes me happy anymore or what I
should be doing. Other people seem to be able to put up with a [dumb] job and balance their life but I just find it hard.
Now I am living with my dad on his income and all I do is sleep or try to
make myself sleep to escape the fact that I am alive. Obviously I have no girlfriend, so I masturbate too much as well and watch far too much television.
My dads at work all day, I have no job so all I have is far too much time to wallow in self-pity and think too much. I have made a decision to have
mental health care and counseling because it is difficult to break free on my own. I have a very low self esteem and self-confidence so relationships and forming new ones is now impossible unless they have
something mentally wrong with them. I used to be such a good-looking lad with all the girls after me and very popular as I could make people
laugh. Now my life is so hard to accept because it is easy to look back in the past.
I am going to kill myself if my treatment does not do any good. What do you suggest?
[Unsigned]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear nephew in distress,
My methods of dealing with situations like yours is far afield from the touchy - feely style so popular today. If you want "feel good" counseling, read no further, but seek out the mental health
counseling of your choice.
My comments will recognize your emotions but will appeal to your intellect.
[I will repeat your inquiry "line for line" with my comments interspersed.]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I am 19 years old and I am stuck in a massive rut. I got nine a-c
gcses at school, went on to college, left college and took a year out. I have always had a big problem organizing and motivating myself, but in the gap year became very psychologically detached from
myself and withdrawn from "normal" society and I literally have no life.
[If you want out of your rut, it probably can be accomplished very
quickly. Give yourself a swat on the head and realize that whether you were motivated or organized in the past does not stop you from focusing NOW. Like a game badly played last week, you chalk it up to
experience, go back to the drawing board and plan next week's encounter.]
I am also very self-conscious; I have had acne for what feels like an eternity.
[Millions of people have acne; it is not the end of the world. Medication can be very helpful but a positive attitude is far better. I have a friend that was born with no arms or legs and has profound
skin anomalies. He is self-supporting, upbeat and takes pride in his self-reliance - and you're crippled by acne. One of my nephews had acne until about age 25. For whatever reason it all but disappeared.]
I find it difficult to put up with work, as I hate people seeing me as a miserable person.
[Putting up with work is difficult for all of us, that is why they call it
work. If you don't want people to see you as "miserable," put a smile on your face, a pleasant tone in your voice and try to pay a compliment to everyone you encounter. Phony? Maybe, but finding
something positive about the other guy builds a better mindset than hating yourself.]
I cannot speak to people in the same way as I used to, so wherever I
try to work I feel incapable of doing the job and getting people to like working [with] and talking to me.
[This is global "woe is me" syndrome. You can speak to people any
way you wish. What job task makes you feel incapable? Can't find room for all the cans of peas? Don't know how to make french fries? Problems calculating orbital reentry parameters? Does the job
difficulty make you feel incapable, or do you just want to whine? We both know the answer - don't we? Turn on the charm and give the people you are working with a little assistance with their work. They
will love you for it.]
I went to do a university course recently, but ended up very lonely and with no understanding of my course. I went there to escape my
sad existence and try to meet interesting people of my own age to make me open up and become more interesting.
["Woe is me" page two. You are lonely because you don't sell
yourself to the market. You didn't understand the course because you failed to study and apply yourself. The world has no obligation to "make" you open up. They have situations of their own; maybe you
should be helping them open up.]
Instead, every time I went out or had to do work it just seemed pointless. In social situations I just stand about and follow people
without saying anything but another part of me knows full well that I am acting like a [dumb] head and that its not the way it should be.
[The fact that you know you are acting dumb is the key to bringing about change. If you want to stop smoking, you stop the behavior you want to change. If you know you're acting dumb, try acting
smart, as outlined above.]
I can't see anything ahead and I'm just stuck in a moment that drags on and on and on.
[Unless you are standing in quicksand, you are not stuck; you simply
don't want to move on. If you want the outside world to motivate you - join the military.]
I do really want to die and that's not an exaggeration.
[We all feel that way sometimes...it's not worth it. Emotion triumphing over logic. Which will rule? Your choice.]
The only thing that keeps me going is my family which I've never
really felt part of anyway.
[Never felt a part of your family? Your dad supports you, but you don't feel a part? You were offered a college education, but you
don't feel a part? Try working for the minimum wage and surviving in a rooming house. Then tell me about not being a part! What effort do you make to connect with your family? Anything like your efforts at
employment or that Everest-ian college course? In some families you would be out on the street, left to your own designs. You, nephew, don't realize how well off you are. Wake up!]
Also I am very good at football and this gives me great satisfaction because it's my chance to make other people look bad and show off. I'm not the type of lad you'd really associate with being skillful at
sport but I am.
[Take steps to use your interest in sports as personal therapy.
Develop a diet and exercise routine.
Join a marital arts school.
Volunteer as an assistant coach for a kid's team.
Find a team to play on.
Set regular hours.
No TV for at least one week
Get out of the house.
Find a job and stick to it.]
Being good academically at school was good also, but it was only because I had to go and do it that I did. I've had advice from lots of
people saying, "maybe you should stick to sport" or "do what makes you happy".
["Woe is me" again. "Everybody" hates school; nobody cares about
your sports abilities. Snap out of it. Beneath your poor self-image and "woe-is-me-ism" there is sufficient intellect to take charge and find inroads to a healthy life.]
The truth is I really don't know what makes me happy anymore or what I should be doing. Other people seem to be able to put up with a [dumb] job and balance their life but I just find it hard. Now I am
living with my dad on his income and all I do is sleep or try to make myself sleep to escape the fact that I am alive.
[Gee, that is a shame. Poor you. Can't do what everyone else
manages to do...and it's hard too. Imagine having to actually survive the cold cruel world with only your room and board paid by a dad you can not connect with. Poor you. Time to grow up nephew.]
Obviously I have no girlfriend, so I masturbate too much as well and watch far too much television.
[Sleeping, watching TV and masturbation, if that is not the formula
for success I don't know what is. Does the world owe you a girlfriend too?]
My dad's at work all day, I have no job so all I have is far too much time to wallow in self-pity and think too much.
[At least you recognize your problem.]
I have made a decision to have mental health care and counseling because it is difficult to break free on my own.
[Cradled in sensitive, feeling-oriented terminology, you will get much of the same advice given above. I hope something stirs the potential in you.]
I have a very low self esteem and self-confidence so relationships and forming new ones is now impossible unless they have something mentally wrong with them. I used to be such a
good-looking lad with all the girls after me and very popular as I could make people laugh. Now my life is so hard to accept because it is easy to look back in the past.
[Turn your focus away from the approval of strangers. Dad is another story. You are in his debt. Is his home clean and neat with a meal waiting for him after work. Try it, you will get immediate
approval. Give him a hug when he comes home. Tell him you love him and appreciate what he does for you. Explain to him that you are launching a new beginning and need his guidance. You may see tears in his eyes.
Get together with dad and fine tune the program above. Mold yourself into a person that you are proud of. Don't worry about the rest of the world. Every day your performance will improve.
Self-improvement carries a psychological boost. Enjoy that reward daily. In a few days you will start to have a better opinion of yourself, in six weeks the world will notice.]
I am going to kill myself if my treatment does not do any good. What do you suggest?
[I suggest you follow the advice I posted above. Yeah, I know, I was
little tough on you. But like that proverbial stubborn mule whose attention must be directed --- let your next post inform me of the changes you made, your optimistic outlook and new view of the world.]
Good Luck.
Here if you need me
Everybody's Uncle
Everybody's Uncle,
I have a personal family problem. I live with my mom and step-dad, and I'm
suppose to visit my dad on weekends, but I haven't for some time. I don't want to go over to my dad's house cause he does mad things which include
smoking up, and getting drunk every day. He also does this with my step-mom every day. The problem is that about two months ago I stopped going over there, and I haven't told him why?
Now, my step-mom is calling up my aunt and uncle telling them I'm not
part of the family, that I wasn't allowed at family gatherings, and that I wasn't allowed to talk to them.
Now my mom and step-dad are telling me to confront my dad and tell him
why I don't come over. The only problem is -- what if he doesn't care and continues doing everything? Then, I won't see my stepsister cause she lives with them and is only nine.
I don't want to go over to his house if he is doing that stuff but if I confront
him it's not like he's going to change just for me, he's addicted. Do you have any advice for me?
[Unsigned]
- - - - - - - - - -
Dear Unsigned,
Giving specific advice in delicate situations such as you outline is
difficult because there is little information upon which to draw conclusions. I will accept your statements at face value but remain mindful of the youthful ability to see things with ``teen wisdom."
Your mom and step-dad are correct in advising you to inform your dad and step-mom why you are not visiting.
[Jimism: If all else fails, tell the truth.]
If your dad has not seen the error of his ways at this point in time, it is
not likely that he will wake up without someone or something forcing him to re-examine his lifestyle. Doing nothing invites more of the status quo that troubles you.
Your step-mom's call to your uncle and aunt disallowing your contact
with them appears to be the action of an ill-focused individual. Uncles and aunts should play a supportive and helpful role in family matters.
Calls ordering ``no contact" should be questioned by thinking, caring relatives. Unless there is serious cause, contact should be encouraged not prohibited. Uncles and aunts, in their proper roles, can provide
``outside" perspectives and a sounding board for all parties.
If, as you indicate, your dad is smoking and drinking ``every day,"
perhaps YOU should not be in that environment. If it is as bad as you suggest, why are you allowed to go there?
It is highly unlikely that your uncle and aunt are not aware of the
drinking problem. In protection of your 9-year old stepsister, all information should be made available to parties that will act in her best interest. That includes uncles, aunts, school counselors and
clergy. If clear thinking adults assess the situation as dangerous, contacting child protective services is appropriate.
Please detail the circumstance of your step-sister's existence to the
responsible adults in your life. Your accusations are serious. Be sure they are objective and accurate. If her household is ``under the influence" every day – outside intervention may be needed. School
counselors or religious leaders often have experience and mechanisms that could help.
I commend you on your concern for your stepsister. A lesser person would walk away without a second thought.
Here if you need me,
Everybody's Uncle
I'm a student at Roosevelt University, majoring in Finance. I need a little
help. I want to know if anyone is aware of any Series 7 licenses classes in the Chicago area for a reasonable price. If anyone can help it would be greatly appreciated.
Contact any Broker/Dealer in the target area. Some brokerage firms
provide courses for aspiring Registered Representatives. Check current rules - you probably need a sponsor (potential employer) to take the test.
The Series 7 is a comprehensive test including laws, governing bodies, history, rules and mechanics of investment.
The Series 7 is a difficult test that requires hundreds of hours of
preparation, especially when the candidate has no related experience. Your finance studies will provide some background. Self-study materials should be available from your local bookstore.
Before focusing on taking the test, familiarize yourself with particulars. Study of stocks, bonds, options, mutual funds, ethics and trading practices will be required. You may be able to take the test in
several separate parts.
I do not recommend undertaking the Series 7 during active college studies. A few months of private study (with a mentor) followed by
an established profession instruction course is a sensible approach to Series 7.
Good study materials will include sample tests. The questions are
similar if not identical to those on recent tests. Get as many sample tests as you can from as many sources as possible. Then - do the questions - do the questions - and do the questions. When you can
consistently answer and understand 90% of the questions, take the test. Most do not pass on the first attempt. Do not allow long periods of time between retakes. If you fail go back to the books and retake
as soon as possible. You don't want to have to retain a zillion facts for 6 months. Check for fees and current rules regarding retakes.
Good luck,
Everybody's Uncle
Hello,
I have this situation with my 19-year-old son. A little background: I remarried 10 years ago (my son was 4 years old) and have been with the same man for 15 years in all.
I divorced a man that was very abusive and violent and is now serving life for murder. My son has always been protected and kept from violence. Until he was in High School he was a no problem kid.
We have always been very loving and close except during that time where he shocked me with stealing my wedding ring to pawn. During some time in those 2 years he stole a couple of other
things of value and he was caught. At work he stole tennis shoes, like 20 pair and he returned them so they wouldn't prosecute.
Meanwhile, he was in a very stressful relationship where his
girlfriend wanted materialistic things to keep her. He even went and put himself in debt getting her a ring through my dad's credit against my knowledge -- which he is still paying on.
Because of disrespect and taunting me telling that me he would act the way he wanted and I would never ask him to leave. I told him he was to leave. To make a long story short he bounced
around for a while with grandma and friends. He decided to work at one of our businesses out of town. He was with his step-dad that was traveling back and forth. He has since come home and
has been the perfect kid, lovable, but he has chosen to work with this company that is commission based (and by the way he has had the option of going to college or even a trade school).
But he has chosen this and he can't even pay his insurance -- $147.00 a month.
He said, after many arguments, that he would give it a year and if it didn't pan out that he would move on. Meanwhile I'm
thinking should I support him meanwhile or am I being weak? He doesn't come home drunk, no drug problems and he loves being with the family and doesn't have a girlfriend. He's in sales
door to door. He works most of the day.
Thanks
Please accept my sympathy for the tragic episodes in your past and my hope for your future strength.
There is a difference between what is logically concluded and
emotionally driven. Young adults in need of direction test the parental boundaries of irrational tolerance and tough love. The heart says, "continue to protect," while the brain insists, "demand
responsibility."
Your son is obligated to make wise choices or bear the consequences of his error. Tolerating misjudgments of younger children, with a slap
on the wrist, is part of the parenting process. Supporting young adults that can but will not support themselves, is more heart than brain. Self-sufficiency is an essential, not an option. The question is
not "if" but "when."
Your son has stolen from you, his employer and others. This is criminal behavior.
He has taken advantage of his grandparents and his friends. This is
immoral behavior.
He connected with a materialistic girlfriend and refused a college or trade education. This is unwise behavior.
He currently refuses to work in the family business but can not earn enough to pay his $147 insurance bill. This is nonsensical behavior.
In addition to the litany of personal failures above, he has decided that he will stay in this go-nowhere "job" that keeps him out of the house all day but produces no significant income. This is
unappreciative behavior.
He has demanded a one-year continuance of free room and board. After that year he will concede nothing but will "move on," - maybe. This is arrogant behavior.
Your son's track record is criminal, immoral, unwise, nonsensical, unappreciative and arrogant.
Mom, take off the parental colored glasses. The job that keeps him
out of the house all day but yields no pay is conveniently door to door. It could be from your door to the girlfriend-that-he-doesn't-have's door.
The smooth family relationships are wonderful if genuine - I wonder.
If nothing else, he is coasting along at your expense and setting rules under which you will continue to support him.
If nothing else, a child (any age) should be treated like a child. Parents set all rules. Payment for room, board and personal expenses is REQUIRED. Freeloaders need a course in basic
architecture, starting with a study of the other side of the door.
Everybody's Uncle
Everybody's Uncle,
My 16-year-old son is a bright kid that gets A's and B's all the time. One of his grades dropped from and A to a D last marking period. He did miss a
test and handed in an assignment late but he says, "The teacher hates me."
I think teachers have an obligation to create a teaching atmosphere where
the students do not feel hated. I want to speak to the teacher about his grade and her classroom demeanor that makes kids feel hated. Some of
my friends say I am over reacting. I think it is time to stand up for my son.
What do you think?
Concerned Mom
If your son has been getting good grades all along, was it just
because the teachers liked him or did he earn those "A's" and "B's?" Your son missed a test and handed in an assignment late. That
sounds like less than "A" or "B" performance. We are down to a "C" already.
Teenagers believe that the world has a bias against them. I'll bet, in
spite of your love and devotion, that he feels YOU should be doing just a little more for him. More money, less work, later curfew, fewer chores - "What, me do my laundry?" You get the picture.
If you talk to today's teachers, they will tell you that they are hamstrung by regulations and tormented by the overindulged and undisciplined kids in their classrooms. Violence against teachers is
commonplace and parents defend their kids with lawsuits. Maybe the teachers feel hated! Should students be allowed to make teachers feel hated?
Teachers have an obligation to teach, maintain professional
standards and grade fairly. Student conduct is distinct from academic performance. A teacher's affinity or lack thereof with any student should not effect grades. Discipline reflects student conduct; grades
reflect academic proficiency. Emotions certainly exist but should not enter the equation. Teachers can not be overly concerned whether kids "feel" loved, hated or somewhere in between.
I applaud your concern about your son's grade but urge you to keep an open mind before asking the teacher to make sure that all the students "feel" good. Tough teachers often seem like ogres to
students. I fell under the ruler of the dreaded (she hated everyone) Sister Maria "Godzilla." She hated me, then; but I love her, now.
It is normal to see our kids thought parent colored glasses. Let's give the teacher the benefit of objectivity.
Everybody's Uncle
Uncle,
My teenage daughter wants to dye her hair pink. I find extremes of dress, makeup and popular aberrations offensive and inappropriate. She says it just a fun thing to do. Should I let her?
Trying to see her side.
Dear "Trying,"
My compliments for trying to see her side. Inflexible parenting does
more harm than good. Parents have an obligation to set standards for their teenagers, but are wise to keep an open mind.
Teen challenges today dwarf those of a generation ago:
Extravagant hairstyles,
Subwoofer, Bone-rattling filth-rap
Provocative dress,
Violent movies,
Pajamas in school,
Body piercing,
Tattoos,
Coed sleepovers,
Alcohol, Smoking and Drugs
Sexual irresponsibility
...And these are not the "bad" kids!
Where is your teenager in the bigger picture?
Is her conduct harmless? Are you inflexible?
When you consider the above list of possibilities, pink hair does not seem too bad -- and it grows out.
To make rationale decisions about when to stand, fold or negotiate,
break down the cultural shift into three categories:
Intrinsically harmful, Ex. Drugs
Permanent effect, Ex: tattoos
Temporary aberration, Ex. pink hair
Uncle think:
Pink hair may assault my senses but it can be reversed in time for school. Tattoos have been in and out of fashion throughout history. Since they are not easily reversible, I'll accept your tattoos after you
leave the house, but not while I am supporting you.
Drugs. Not in this house. Not in your house. Not now. Not ever.
I can not and would not presume to set standards for any other home
but my own. Some parents have no problem with teens smoking. Some see no harm in pajamas being worn to school. Some find body piercing okay. Some think the answer to teenage sexuality is
condoms. Some parents have less common sense than their kids.
RANGE is important.
Halloween or costume parties are great times for indulging in harmless silliness. Have fun with your kids.
Vacation time can mean relaxed curfews in exchange for responsible conduct.
Flexible guidelines are necessary to teach negotiation.
Dress standards for home, school, social and formal occasions invite negotiation.
Smart parents allow some discretion. Putting a kid in a cage doesn't work.
Negotiating curfews for chores, payment for extra yard work / babysitting, sibling peace treaties for house parties, can build trust and credibility.
RANGE! Emancipation is around the corner. Do you want your child to make his first decision at 18 or have some experience while you still have control?
Total resistance to the cultural shift can result in broken or fractured family ties. If you want to see your grandchildren, know when to stand, fold, or negotiate.
Everybody's Uncle
Everybody's Uncle,
I have been dating my boyfriend now for six years. We started when we were in our early twenties, and it was a very on again, off again type
situation. However, we have been going strong now for almost a year and a half. He has mentioned marriage, but I have yet to hear any serious talk
about it. To make matters worse, he just moved back home with his parents! I am worried that he is afraid to commit to me, and I almost feel
like I am wasting my time. We see each other about twice a week, but we talk on the phone every night, just about general stuff. We have separate
friends, separate lives. I don't know if I should just relax, maybe I am nitpicking, or maybe I should listen to my instincts. Please help.
If your instincts say "move on" your instincts are in good working order. The fact that he moved back home in his late 20's is proof
positive that he is not ready for commitment.
Your uncle's first rule (for nieces and nephews) is, "Be your own person," before you marry. Define yourself; know yourself; support
yourself and don't settle for anyone who is still dependent upon his family. That is a child - find a man.
Establishing your own "space" brings responsibility. You earn the
money; you pay the bills; you prioritize. This interaction with reality hones each of us into the "adult" we become. Some never get there.
If you have this behind you or in progress, and he is still at home - don't walk, run!
Life's challenges are difficult enough for adults that marry. Extended
adolescents, in their late 20's, living at home are not marriage material.
Self-sufficiency -- self-definition -- maturity - then, marriage -- is the logical sequence.
You said the relationship was "going strong," but all other information you offer defines "growing weak." Sounds like you're bored and he's
bored. Step back and take a good objective look ... at other opportunities.
Trust your uncle on this one - BE YOUR OWN PERSON FIRST!
Good luck,
- Everybody's Uncle
For the parents of the world I offer my answer to the
question...
"How do I talk to my kids?"
I often address this topic on my radio show but I'll post some suggestions here for easy reference. Print and keep handy for emergencies.
Read my advice to teenagers on how to speak to parents and please
note the bar is set high. Teens are asked for self-control and adherence to guidelines that could well define the ideal child.
The bar is set higher for parents:
You are the adults. You have the power. You have legal and moral responsibilities. Your kids did not ask to be born. They are human beings and deserve the same respect you want from them. Respect -
you reap what you sew.
Reward, Punishment and Love
These are the three basic motivators for kids
[And everyone else in the world].
Reward should not be confused with over indulgence. Punishment should not be confused with abuse. Love shines dully through screaming and name-calling.
Patience please!
Kids have nothing to do but try to get their way. Parents have adult responsibilities PLUS lovable monsters that challenge every move. But you elected the role of parenting; challenges are part of the job.
SCREAMING -- the most common failure of parents
When has screaming resolved anything with a loved one? How credible is a parent asking a child to control himself while screaming like a maniac?
It is important for teens to win style points. It is more important for parents to win on style because they are the role models. Screaming sends two messages. The intended message, "DON'T DO THAT!" and a
subliminal message, "Screaming is how you communicate anger." Constant screaming says, "They hate me." Don't scream at your kids;
it does not work. Only a fool continues a practice that doesn't work.
Employ yelling to check an undesirable conduct. Yell your butt off if your child is facing danger - fire, an electrical outlet, running into traffic. Then, screaming plays it's proper role as an alert, not a
parental norm to be ignored until mom's veins pop out of her neck.
Biting your tongue now is better than eating your words later:
Parents that employ poor tactics will have to answer for them as their kids grow up. Kids roast you for the slightest failures; major blunders call for crucifixion. Good parenting is tough enough when it is
measured and focused. "Scream and retreat" parenting creates a huge gray zone that kids will exploit. Gray areas are almost impossible to avoid but keep them as narrow as feasible.
Credibility - Credibility - Credibility
Parents must have credibility. Kids must know that you mean what you say.
Kids should know exactly what is allowed and what is not:
The clearer the message, the easier to comply. Black and white guideline should change by negotiation not violation. Set reasonable guidelines, but enforce - enforce - enforce.
Punishment should fit the "crime"
Punishment should be severe enough to change conduct. Sentencing a kid to his room for a month for a minor infraction is overkill. Your
kids will love you (later) for good parenting but might abandon you for abuse. Abuse also breeds abuse; the subliminal message is "that's how you discipline a child."
Look at the bigger picture
Some wise soul noted, "When you have no problems, your littlest problem is your biggest problem." Problem kids are law-breakers, drug users, criminally anti-social predators, violent, sexually
irresponsible and "in your face" disrespectful types. These require tough love - a topic for another day.
Messy rooms, less than perfect report cards, minor attitude annoyances, gray area scuffles and typical kid stuff is not cause to throw a rope over a tree. If this is the worst of it, kiss the ground they
walk on and thank God for your babies.
Don't expect perfection. You weren't - they aren't. Parents, step back and evaluate your own mindsets. Are your expectations reasonable or
neurotic? Don't ruin their lives and yours because they don't fulfill your obsessions.
Punishment and reward is relative and a topic for separate discussion.
Take into consideration, your priorities, community standards and overall comportment of the child when setting reward and punishment standards.
KIDS MUST KNOW THEY ARE LOVED
Love is underused as a device for guiding children. When discussions stall and frustration is setting in, before emotion trumps reason, take a break.
I use this as a parting mechanism:
We are both getting too emotional. Would you at least think about what I said? We will talk again tomorrow. I may be a little upset with you at the moment, but I still love you!
Most kids really don't want to disappoint loving parents. They will consider your pain before acting irresponsibly. [This, in the abstract, is emotional control, an entire area for discussion.]
If all efforts fail put a countdown calendar on their door.
Everybody's Uncle
Sandy and Shannon called the show last week and asked a question
that has confounded teenagers of every generation.
"How do I get my parents to listen to me?"
To Sandy, Shannon and all my nieces and nephews, here is the best advice I can offer.
Pick a time that has the best chance of receptive parental attention:
Avoid times when parent is hurried, busy or stressed. Establish "talk
time." Parents want to know what is on your mind. Suggesting discussion shows maturity and beats heck out of whining, demanding and stamping feet. You may get a few points just for the proposal.
Make sure your request is reasonable:
Things that are outrageously expensive, dangerous or outside family parameters have no shot. Requesting such things indicates poor
judgment. Poor judgment invites no compromise and paints you as a child. Avoid the, "Johnny is allowed to go," routine.
Sandy and Shannon were discussing curfews:
Curfews are great for negotiation. Curfews change with age anyway.
Improve chances of successful negotiation with a show of personal responsibility. Good grades, adherence to family parameters, completion of chores, helping out around the house and yard are
plusses when negotiating. A neat room and NOT FIGHTING with siblings gets double points. An attempt to negotiate anything after a poor report card or breach of rules is a waste of time.
Credibility:
Say what you mean and mean what you say! Your word must be good. Don't make commitments you can not or will not keep. Credibility shown over a long period of time builds trust. Trust is all-important in
matters like curfew. Teenagers that have earned TRUST can usually negotiate curfews when there is good reason and responsible adults
are supervising in safe locations. Credibility - Credibility - Credibility!
Substance and style:
Pay attention to substance and style in all negotiations. Often,
discussions become arguments because of attitudes. This is where teenagers MUST shine. I have said to my nieces and nephews a million times, "You were right on the issue but wrong on the style." Avoid
raising your voice; use polite language. Vulgarity and personal attacks are out of the question. Have "ask" in your tone, not "demand." "Please," won't do any harm.
Consider this:
A debate (or courtroom contest) is running about 50/50 on substance, but one party is carrying on like a lunatic and the other is
calm and polite. An outside observer could easily award one point for "style" tipping the balance 51/49.
Daddy's little girl / Mommy's big boy:
Hitting on the softer parent first is a tried and true winning tactic. There is nothing wrong with employing good tactics.
Parents have all the power:
Parents can punish or reward; they have 100% authority. Parents can reject requests for lack of substance, poor style or no apparent reason at all. This is a tough hand to play against.
Adopting the postures above brings formidability to your presentations but does not guarantee success. Sometimes parents
stand on ceremony and will not bend for purely subjective reasons. I feel sorry for kids with genuinely difficult parents. If nothing else, adopting the postures above brings self-discipline and self-control
that will serve you well in any walk of life.
Thank you, Sandy and Shannon, for an excellent question.
Good luck in your negotiations,
Everybody's Uncle
