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SUICIDE
Everybody's Uncle,
My parents don't understand anything I tell them. What should I do? I want to tell them things that go on around me. I want to be honest with
them but I'm scared they'll take it the wrong way and get mad at me or look down on me.
I've tried some drugs, smoked stuff, and drank alcohol a couple of times. I've stopped and I quit. Now that I have I
don't want to hide anything from them anymore.
I'm tired of lying to them but they don't understand what I go through. When I do tell them about something that's bothering me, after talking to them they make
me feel 10 times worse. When I ask for advice they get mad and either yell at me or lecture me. It gets really bad sometimes. Half the time I feel depressed or pissed off because of something they've said or done.
I get so worked up over them. A few times I've tried killing myself because I get so overwhelmed by them and can't take it. I wanted to kill myself because I didn't want to live so unhappy all the time. I
don't consider it anymore.
What I really would like advice for is, how can I communicate better with my parents? Also what should do when I feel really depressed? I've tried many, many, many things and I
haven't found anything that helps much.
Please write back soon as you can. I would really appreciate it.
*~*Stephanie*~*
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Dear Stephanie,
You made no
mention of seeking counseling from a wise old relative, a school counselor, clergy, or a professional. It is impossible for Uncle Jim to conclude whether your emotional state is teenage perspective, breakdown of
parental communication, or lack of ability to communicate on the part of you or your parents or both.
The contest between teen and parent is as old as time itself. The necessity for honest communication
between parent and child is a constant on my radio show. In short, parents can't handle the conduct of their kids, so the kids hide out. To your credit, you want to be honest with your parents. What is required is
connection.
Scroll down to my suggestions on how to talk to your parents and how to talk to your kids. Print them out and give a copy to your parents. If both sides abide by those guidelines, peaceful
communication is a possibility.
Both sides have to define their own positions and agree to work toward reasonable resolutions.
YOU, dear niece, must understand that parents have
certain rights and obligations. You make no mention of lack of food, shelter, or other necessities. Nor do you mention any abuse. They simply don't understand you. No one has ever died of a lecture
They have,
to one degree or another, tolerated your drug and alcohol use. They could kick you out on your 18th birthday. No college. No car. No wedding. No inheritance. They could get a restraining order that would mean no
contact. Irrespective of your age, parents have the right to set priorities in their home. When you head your own household, will you set priorities or will you allow your kids to make the rules?
[Read all the inquiries in this department for variations on this theme.]
THEY, sadly, passed-up opportunities to connect honestly with their daughter. They may be so frustrated (blinding emotion) that
they forgot to praise your positives. Uncle Jim suggests honesty be weighed against offence. Would you rather punish your kids for past conduct or negotiate thoughtful future behavior?
The Thinking Zone
identifies three Universal Motivators - Reward, Punishment, and Love (Emotion). Parents often forget to end every confrontation with "We disagree, but I still love you. Please think about what I said, and I
will think about what you said."
Regarding spelling and punctuation, your inquiry compares favorably to most others (see some of the unedited inquiries).
The parental role is wisely played when positives and negatives in a child's conduct are given REASONABLE value, REASONABLE reward, and REASONABLE punishment. Screaming does not work. Communication and negotiation, (especially with an intelligent and honest kid) does - sometimes. Parents MUST listen to what their kids have to say or the kids will take it to the streets. Smart parents allow kids to talk. The norm of "talking it out" allows emotions to cool and logic to prevail
Both sides must understand:
Disagreements can quickly devolve into arguments wherein EMOTION takes control of both parties. Emotions know no logic. Peaceful resolution is best found with cool heads.
Ground rules can help. No Yelling. Equal Time. Mutual Respect. Good faith negotiations. Credibility - honor all agreements.
Build trust by staying within agreed guidelines.
Open and end with a hug and "I love you.".
Stephanie, please print this response and bring it to your parents. It can serve as the road map to a better relationship.
I am happy to hear that you have gotten passed your past negative behavior. Regular exercise, healthful diet, a busy schedule and improved family relationships can do a lot to bring peace of mind.
You
your parents and all readers are invited to call my radio show. Phone 973-267-9687 (267-WMTR) for broadcast time.
Let me know if you make any progress.
Here if you need me
Uncle Jim
[Depression
in degree and treatment requires evaluation by qualified professionals.]
KIDS OR NO KIDS
Dear Uncle,
I love your website and your show. I actually can't get your broadcast where I live, but hear about it from family members who listen.
My question is about having children. I am married just over a year. My heart's dream has been to have my own family. Prior to our wedding my husband to be assured me he wanted children
too. To my heartbreak he's told me in no uncertain terms that he's changed his mind, he doesn't want any children. He will not go for counseling, with or without me, or seek any kind of help
because he says he doesn't want to change his mind.
I am quite heartsick about this. I feel tricked and betrayed. I could have been married a few
times in my life, but did not feel it was the right time because I had to get an education. Once I finished school, got my first professional job, I felt I was at the right time in my life where I could
focus on marriage and a family. I can't believe the one I've waited to marry has changed his mind about having a family. I'm crushed and am having a hard time accepting this. I regret now not
having been married sooner.
What advice might you have for a heart that is broken?
Sincerely,
“Unsigned”
-------------------------------------
Dear “Unsigned”,
Your pain cries beyond your words and must be a living hell for you.
The best advise for a heart that is broken is to impose logic over emotion. You had the
discipline to finish your education and achieve a professional position.Now, dear niece, you have the challenge of folding under emotion or triumphing over it.
"Tricked and betrayed," is not a mindset for a happy relationship.
Confrontation and resolution is required. Either you can accept his new posture or you
can not. If you can not, go to the table immediately. If "trick and betrayed" is a time bomb that will explode, defuse it now. If no resolution is possible, it is time to cut your
loses and start the rebuilding process.
Examine your religious, family and personal values. If nothing in that framework
prohibits separation, annulment, or divorce, confront him with that reality. If you see any potential for violence in the man, do this from a safe distance. Just as he changed from
pro-kids to no kids, he may change from passive to aggressive - assess and be cautious.
[Jimism: If my mindset and your mindset are so far apart, we will be in conflict at all times.]
You are consistent; he is inconsistent - totally different mindsets. How do you build a relationship with an individual that changes dramatically overnight? Could you work
successfully for a company that gave you a new job description every day? Will you be painting fine strokes on canvas or planting flowers in concrete?
[Jimism: Q: How do you know if someone loves you? A: They want the best for you.]
Listen to the voices of those who love you. They do not have your emotional baggage.
Get outside your own emotions as best you can. Look at the bigger picture - focus and resolve now, or flutter and disintegrate later.
You are young, educated, employed and self-sufficient. You have had several opportunities for marriage. You are your own person. You are highly "marketable." Don't
let anyone force their whimsical priorities over your life forged personal values.
The song says, "You gotta know when to hold them; know when to fold them." Not Uncle
Jim or anyone else can make the decision for you.
Keep in touch,
Uncle Jim
FRIEND OR GOLD-DIGGER
Dear Uncle Jim,
I am 20 and work in the computer service industry where I repair and build
computer systems. I became friendly with one of the customers who is 28 years old and his mother. They both have Chrones (spelling?) disease but the son does
not have it as badly. Neither of them work: the mother can't because she is very ill, but the son is perfectly capable but insists on getting nothing less than a union
job that will pay him more than he is worth. He barely graduated high school because he was always skipping out and only graduated because he claimed he had
a stomach complication that he never actually had. He brags constantly how he lives like he is 17 always and collects disability. These facts are important to my concern...
He originally had me do a computer repair that took several hours of labor and he promised me when he got his [fantasy] job he would pay me more than I received,
what I consider an insult. He now wants me to do another estimated four hour job on top of the smaller miscellaneous trips/jobs I've made in between which I'm still being promised money for.
Additionally, I notice that he tells me many stories about how he gets discounts and deals by becoming friendly with people from businesses and always brags of
getting a free ride, etc. Basically he likes to manipulate people. I do not want to be one of those people and I need to somehow mention to him I want to get paid
because I run a business doing this. He plays it up as me coming over to hang out with him and do some computer work at the same time, like I would do for my
closest friends. He is not my close friend, he is an acquaintance who I think looks at me as a goldmine of free computer work. I have no doubt that he values my
friendship, but he blatantly sees me as a gold mine as well.
Obviously they are very poor because they do not work and have several
thousands charged in credit. I do not think I should feel bad. Business is business. How do I fix this pseudo-friendship and politely insist on no more free rides? After
all I have my own bills to worry about and time is money. I feel that "Why should I do work for him for free when I can be out with my friends or getting paid doing
something elsewhere than giving this guy free work."
As you can see I am all over the place with this and need some guidance. I hope I explained my situation clearly. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Buddy
-------------------------------------------------------
Dear Buddy,
You are going to love this answer because it will empower you now and forever.
Character indicators you assign to your friend:
Skipped out of high school.
Graduated on false claim.
Twenty-eight staying on 17.
Brags about free rides.
Likes to manipulate people
Blatantly regards you as a gold-mine of free computer work.
Capable of working but can't find his fantasy job.
Based on these traits, is this an individual of upstanding character?
Offered you an insult instead of amount agreed.
Wants additional work while still owing for work completed.
Confuses a friendly hang out with a computer work assignment.
Are these qualities that define an honorable client?
Broke a promise to pay.
Offered insult.
Generally manipulative.
He is an acquaintance - a pseudo-friend.
Are these the hallmarks of friendship?
Quote: "I have no doubt that he values my friendship, but he blatantly sees me as a gold mine as well."
Please note the internal conflict of your statement. Friendships are mutual. Gold mines are targets of prospectors.
Quote; "Why should I do work for him for free when I can be out with my
friends or getting paid doing something elsewhere than giving this guy free work?"
This question answers itself.
You have all the pieces; I have simply organized them to help you focus.
Your question is:
"How do I fix this pseudo-friendship and politely insist on no more free rides?"
Mature relationships include give and take, teach and learn, 50-50. Other
relationships: parent-child, teacher-student, employer-employee, uncle-nephew are, for lack of a better phrase, leader/follower relationships.
Formidability requires identifying your role, at any given time, in any given relationship or exchange.
LEARN THIS!
Know when to talk and when to listen. Know when you are the teacher or the
student. Know when to assert yourself or when to yield. Remember that roles can and do change instantly as subject matter or conditions change.
Does this acquaintance qualify as a friend?
Not by Uncle Jim's standards. Manipulators and gold-diggers qualify only as students. Assume the role of teacher and assert yourself accordingly. A
reasonable guideline for a friend/client is, free lip-service/chargeable hands-on service. You can give a discount but any deal made and broken precludes
any future work. State this delicately but clearly. Honorable clients and genuine friends should know this. If they don't; teach them, categorize them, or move on.
The next time this "student" asks for free service, be prepared to tell him how busy you are with cash customers that, of course, have to come first.
Tell him you may be able to help him after he performs some of that fantasy union work that he does so well, for you.
My uncle instinct tells me that my new nephew, Buddy, already feels an
injection of formidability surging through his veins.
I told you, you would love it.
Uncle Jim
TRIP TO SAN FRANCISCO
Hello,
In November, my wife and I are going to fly to San Francisco, rent a car, stay in San Fran for 5 days and then drive to San Diego (for 2 weeks). Naturally, we'll be
stopping at other towns along the way but my question to you is how do people manage a drive like that, I'm sure they don't stay at a motel/hotel everyday, and
living out of our suitcase doesn't sound too smart to me.
This is our first time taking a trip like this. The sightseeing part is no problem, it's
the lodging (after San Francisco) and dining, etc that is concerning us.
I know you'll come up with a helpful solution that we're possibly overlooking. Also
this is going to be our 25 anniversary and I'm trying to surprise my wife with a romantic day in San Fran.
Have you ever been to San Fran, and if so can you suggest any kind of romantic
restaurant, tour, etc. Looking forward to your response.
Vinny
-----------------------------------------------------
Dear Vinny,
Congratulations on your anniversary and applause for planning a romantic trip for you and your bride.
Arrive early for your flight - at least two hours. Have two forms of
identification ready for check-in. Photo ID, driver's license, credit card or your passport should suffice - check with your airline. Plan a meal after
check-in. Hanging around is boring and can test your patience. Plan a light breakfast or lunch to pass the time and avoid the irritability of other harried passengers.
First rule of travel into the unknown: GOOD ACCOMMODATIONS. Plan your travel with better class hotels. A comfortable room with a restaurant is a
must after a long drive and is part of the vacation. Do not economize - this is fun travel not steerage class.
[I encountered a couple whose kids gave them an anniversary trip to
Paradise Island. They were miserable because the food was too expensive. Good vacations cost money. Showstoppers cost more.]
[Jimism: When you're a tourist, smile, pay the price, and be happy; or fight,
buck the tide, and be miserable.]
Great accommodations make a romantic trip a memorable one. Many hotels/motels are satisfactory. Four star and superior hotels are pricey but
everyone should experience "first class" at least once.
Living out of a suitcase is not fun. TRAVEL LITE. Dragging suitcases is every
husband's lament. Take what is necessary - nothing more. Overnight cleaning service is usually available - use it. A vacation is not a fashion show
- leave valuables at home in a safe deposit box. Secure your home and have a trusted neighbor keep a watchful eye. Carry some cash, but traveler's checks or credit cards make sense for extended travel.
Car rental companies have desks in all major airports but not all companies have their parking area nearby, some have facilities miles from the airport.
The major companies eliminate desk check in. Your name and car location is posted - service is door side. Avoid sub-compact cars, a medium or full size
car that is the equivalent of your own vehicle is a good choice. Evaluate the vehicle immediately and don't hesitate to return it if it is deficient. A breakdown or worse can ruin a vacation.
Decide how many hours per day you want to drive. A leisurely drive allows time to enjoy the landscape and pleasant lunch breaks. Avoid rush hour
traffic and consider scenic routes appropriate for your vehicle and wilderness experience.
San Francisco has devolved from a place where you once left your heart, to a
semi-sewer where vagrants now leave their excrement. [I have not been there and would not go there.] I am told there are good sections and bad. Do
research ahead of time and avoid the deteriorated areas. Derelicts might qualify as cultural elements but score no romantic points.
Do your homework before venturing out. Travel agents are often
disappointing but books available for almost every place in the world can be a blessing. They evaluate various lodgings, restaurants, list points of interest, and provide excellent travel tips.
Enjoy,
Everybody's Uncle
FRIEND OR BOY FRIEND
Everybody's Uncle,
My problem is that i have this guy frined...accually hes not just a friend hes my absolute best friend (thats a guy at least) i have known him for about a year now
and when we first met we liked eachother right away.
For a while we went on and off about 3 or 4 times and in between all of them we
dated other people. After we broke up the last time we decided just to be friends and it has been workin out great im his best firend thats a girl and hes mine thats
a guy. but latly we have been flirting a lot more then we used to (we always did frist even though we r just firends but we never really felt anythin).
And just yesturday we were talkin online and we were just like being really honest with eachother. To tell you the truth i really do like him and no one in the world knows that not even my best friend tina!
anyways we were being really honest with eachother as always and we always confront eachother with how we feel about people but he doesnt know i like him
secretly and we were joking around and he said somthin like "oh yes i want u" (just kidding around though...i think) and i said "oh yea i want u to!" but we were just
joking aournd...we always joke like that and then he goes "u know if we are really honest i think that we know that we will most likly end up goin out again as a
couple everyone thinks we will and if i really think about it we probably will" and i was like "yea probably"
and then that night i called him just becuase i was bored and he was at his friend
alex's house and we were talkin for like 3 hours about stupid stuff and flirtin like crazy. when we were on teh phone he was jokin around with his friend and he put
a santa costum on and he put on a doo rag too and he goes "o im gangsta santa" and then my friend that was stayin over my house grabed the phone and asked
"who is mrs. gangsta santa?" and he goes "uhh ask Jaime if she wants to be" and of course i said yes...
so know i cant figur out if we r only flirting alot more but he doesnt feel that way
or if he does feel the same way i feel but he just wants me to say it first so what should i do? im really confused please help!!!!!!!!!!!
Jaime
----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Jaime,
Thank you for your inquiry. It is posted with minimum editing because there
are always two messages in communications: The text itself and that which the style reveals about the writer.
[Jimism: Everything you are is in everything you do.]
The Uncle part of me recognizes (and enjoys) the "style" of your inquiry as the essence of teenage-girlism, The Teacher part cringes at the "casual" presentation sent in pink font.
For the benefit of all my younger nieces, here are some building blocks of a formidable mindset.
[Jimism] Men (especially teenage boys) are hormones and egos that want to be treated like babies.
[Jimism] Boys want sex: girls want romance.
One question quiz:
Q. How do you know when someone loves you?
A. They want the best for you. Not them - you.
Parents have to set guidelines for dating.
Uncle guidelines:
If dating is participating in school activities, group activities, or responsibly supervised gatherings - fine.
If dating includes unsupervised time in comfortable places - out of the question.
On my radio show I present no credentials, but claim expertise in how men/boys think.
I'll bet you know that boys will go as far as girls allow and brag in exaggerated terms about their conquest. I'm sure you've heard those stories
. One of my youngest nieces told me about an eighth- grader that has been pregnant three times.
My nieces have to make choices. Bad choices are made when teens have
privacy, and hormones take over. Good choices are made when conduct and consequences are weighed with family values and logic. Remember, your
conduct impacts you and your parents - those pains in the neck that want the best for you. What will rule, good judgement or roaring hormones?
All decisions should be made by YOU - not him, not his hormones, not peer pressure, not alcohol, not the back seat of a car - YOU! Straightforward
discussion with parents or respected, trusted, responsible adults that want the best for YOU is a must.
Harmless flirtation can be a lot of fun for teenage girls. Steady dating is
flirting with disaster.
Scroll down and read some of the Personals from people of ages teens through seventies. The Home/School section has some suggestions on
negotiations between parents and kids. If you think I'm tough on kids - read my advice to parents on how to talk to their kids.
Please share this site and the mechanisms suggested with your friends and
parents. Some of the bargaining tactics are difficult for reasonable parents and kids to deny. Use them as a format for mutually rewarding relationships.
Some say that there is no such thing as friendship between boys and girls. Most romances destroy friendships. Want to keep a boy as a friend - avoid romance.
Everybody's Uncle
FRIEND OR BOYFRIEND continued... August 16,2003
Everybody's uncle
hi,
its me Jaime agian...thanks for all of the facts about boys and parents and all of
that but u still didn't answer my questions: should i tell him how i feel or not?... this time please give me a yes or a no and why you picked that...dont get me
wrong am very thankfull for all of those helpful facts but Chris is not
like that... he wont go very far with girls the farthest he has been is just a make
out and i know that he wont go any farther beleave me i am his best friend i know... his old girlfriend wanted to go farther but he didnt want to...well he wanted to
but he didnt nad thats becuase he is not that type. So please
answer my question
thanks,
Jaime
p.s. please tell me a simple yes or no and why you pikced that answer now that you know that he is not
that type of guy. thank you...
---------------------------
Dear Jamie,
You are correct I did not answer your question with a simple yes or no. It is difficult to make yes or no decisions when so little information is provided. I
try to provide a foundation from which my nieces and nephews can learn to make wise choices for themselves. It is more important that you learn HOW
to think because Uncle Jim can not be there all the time to think for you.
To your credit, you are deferring a decision to someone that wants the best
for you. But why not mom or dad? Let me state the obvious. Parents have difficulty in accepting behavior that violates their family values. Kids often lie
about or conceal activities like smoking, cheating on tests and interaction with the opposite sex. Bet you knew that! Test your own hide-out status. Will you show this exchange to your parents hmmmm.
Uncle Jim sets the highest priority on honesty.
[Jimism: If you lie to me, I won't know who you are. If I don't know who you are, I can't help you.]
Your request is honest and provides some insight as to the parameters you have for "dating." Let me give you some food for thought. We all know that
honesty is the best policy - but then there is that Santa Claus thing. Calculating who should know what and when they should know it is a challenge for parents and kids alike.
You said that you and Chris have been more than friends in the past. He already knows you like him - no? Remember I told you that boys are
"hormones and egos." Boys, playing to their egos, will interpret a polite handshake as high flirtation and birthday peck on the cheek as a marriage
proposal. Telling boys that you like them is open for any interpretation their egos demand.
[Jimism: It's not what I say: It's what you hear.]
I will accept that Chris displays some character by keeping his hormones under control. However, in the long run - hormones win. This is why I suggest
no privacy for dating teenagers. Lack of parental overview and a very permissive society has resulted in pregnant ten-year-olds. Trust me, hormones win.
Now, to answer your question directly.
There are two conflicting elements in your decision, honesty and tactics.
If he doesn't know you like him he is on another planet.
If he does know, (and he does) you don't have to tell him.
If you don't tell him, he has to continue the flirting game (and he will) and that puts you in control.
I want my nieces to be in control.
DON'T TELL HIM!
Is that direct enough?
Here if you need me,
Everybody's Uncle
SOUL MATE DIED
Everybody's Uncle:
I was married to the most wonderful man in the world. He restored my faith in
humanity. He also showed me what unconditional love was all about. He was such a great teacher for me as in the ways of the world. He had such strong beliefs in me
as a person and brought me to greater heights for having been in my life.
Now my problem: My husband of only 3 1/2 years of heaven on this earth passed
away in my arms of a massive heart attack 1 1/2 years ago.
I'm only 39 years old and think of myself as an average looking person who has a lot to offer the right one.
I truly am ready to date again in hopes of finding that true soul mate again but every time I go on a date with someone that may be something more than a friend, my heart freezes up.
I don't want to be alone the rest of my life. I would love to have someone share that with me again and to be my best friend so to speak.
Do you think this is something I'll ever get past?
Thank you in advance for your help or suggestions. You can lead my way.
[Heart Freezes]
-------------------------------------------------------
Dear Niece,
My condolences for the loss of the loving, teaching and uplifting man that
was your inspiration for a few precious years. Solid people are all too rare in our society. I "Knight" those that share, teach and love with the title "Uncle."
[Not gender specific.] Please share his enrichments and your personal growth with everyone.
I applaud the strength and maturity you show in treasuring his memory while
focusing on your own future. You describe yourself as average but your mindset raises you to extraordinary. Use the wisdom that you acquired to
make intelligent assessments of "dates." Set your priorities. Is it better to shop with wise caution or engage prematurely in emotional fog? Is it your
heart that freezes, or your subconscious judgement sending a warning signal?
This is the advice I give to all my nieces and nephews:
The Army advised, "Be all that you can be." I suggest that you become a blend of all you admired in your beloved husband and the best of yourself.
Keep a smile on your face and a lot of "Uncle" in your heart." Define yourself as clearly as possible. Stay busy and physically fit.
The right man will recognize and respect the person that you have built. He, like you, will have much to offer and a willingness to share, learn, and grow together.
Let judgement prevail over emotion, and you will do well.
Thank you for your confidence.
Here if you need me,
Everybody's Uncle
AM I CONTROLLING
Everybody's Uncle,
Yesterday my girlfriend told me its over and she wants me to leave. We have been
living together for 3 years now. The reason she gave me is that she does not want to live with a man who controls her life.
We have the same argument for quite some time now and I would appreciate your
opinion on our problem. She sees nothing wrong in going out to bars (she calls them booze cans, she usually is the only woman there) or other men's apartments
staying the night. They get drunk and stoned together; Last week she came home with his clothes on. She says that they are her friends and at 44 years old no man
is going to control her. She also states that I don't know how to love and I am a control freak because I object to this.
When she comes home from work she has a couple of beers a joint and then goes
to bed or gets mad at me if I say anything or just try to avoid her. She wants me to go with her but I don't go because I don't want to sit around with a bunch of drunks until 2 or 3 in the morning.
Most of her friends are alcoholics and the ones that aren't she only calls when she needs something from them.
I am leaving in two weeks because I don't see any future with her. I have tried to
explain that I feel that this is no life and that some day something really bad is going to happen to her. Last week she said that a man grabbed her bum, but this
just make her mad and she says they are her friends and I can't control her or what she does.
Don't get me wrong I like to go out and do things and there is nothing wrong with
having a drink. But I think she is going to destroy her self - or is it as she states I just want a puppet that does what I want when I pull her strings. I don't think I am controlling but I may be wrong.
[Leaving]
------------------------------------
Nephew,
My advice is to leave yesterday!
Women dominated by control freaks are not allowed out of the house except for absolute essentials, and then, with an umbilical cell phone. Bars and
overnighters with men are so far off the reservation that you couldn't see smoke-signals with a telescope.
Excessive drinking and pot smoking should signal an immediate departure.
Life styles that are totally incompatible breed poor relationships.
[Jimism: When your mindset and my mindset are so far apart, we will be in conflict at all times.]
Adults without marriage commitment and/or children have virtually no obligation to remain in stressed relationships. Discussion and compromise
are factors in the best relationships. Freakish control or domination has no place in healthy unions.
Philosophically, adults should be objectively self-defined [Jimism: To thine
own self be known.] and nakedly honest in presentation. People live and die within images created by their own delusions, often, taking down themselves and souls they dominate along the way.
Mature relationships should not be a contest of wills. Each person has the right and responsibility to be his own person. [The song says, "I did it my way
," not, "YOU did it my way."] Discussion and compromise - yes. Domination - no.
Attempts to change the conduct of other adults are usually stressful and
rarely fruitful. When honest communication does not exist or can not bring resolution to serious conflicts, it is time to move on.
You employ the word "bum" [an older term for buttocks] and indicate your lady is 44 years old. I assume you are a man of some years. Get away and
take time to objectively redefine yourself. Ask this question, "What kind of man would put up with the woman you describe for three years?
All the best,
Everybody's Uncle
SIBLIING HATRED-
Everybody's Uncle,
My sister is 10 years older than I. My parents were unable to stem her hatred of me from the moment she learned that my mother was pregnant. We are now 48
and 58. Her daughter is 29. For most of my life, the only way to allow for my mother's delusion of a "happy family" was at my expense since there was no
controlling my sister's dirty tricks and lying. Example: She convinced relatives that I was simply a hypochondriac who didn't really have multiple sclerosis. I am
now homebound with MS. As you can see, her kind of dirty trick is more than a childish prank. For at least a decade, my mother and I had no contact with her
because of her child-molesting husband, which was a blessing.
Currently, my sister and niece heard that my mother was in the hospital, which
fortunately turned out not to be serious. I have attempted to overlook past injuries (AGAIN) for my mother's sake and welcomed them into our house, where
my mother, husband, and I live together. On the first visit, while playing cards, my niece called me a "bitch" because I took a trick she wanted! She says this is
normal behavior among her friends and that she couldn't promise but would "try" not to call me that again. Next visit, my sister reaches over and pinches me
extremely hard when everyone is sitting around the table laughing at dinner. She says that she was just "kidding." Because of my health problems, economic
problems when my husband was unemployed for five years, and subsequent depression, I have gained weight and told my niece NOT to take my photograph.
She circled me with her camera and kept snapping photographs over and over again while she laughed. Then, she posted them on the internet for her friends
and family to see. She says that she "loves" me and wants my photos. I told her that she can keep the photos and negatives, which she refused to return, and
forget me. That's okay with her. Obviously, the camera attack and photos are more important than the "bitch" she professes to love. My sister says they've
done nothing wrong and I'm the only person with whom they can't get along. Who didn't expect that response?! All of this resulted in increased MS activity from the stress.
I do have the support of both my husband and mother. These two relatives will undoubtedly attempt to stay with us again since they live out of state. That will
create more stress and who knows what they'll do the next time around.
Questions: Should I cut them out of my life forever as I prefer to do? How do I prevent their return?
[Angry Sibling]
======================
Dear Angry,
First let me introduce you to one of my standards.
Jimism: Party Rule - "You don't have to invite me, and I don't have to go."
Balancing your regard for your mother, sister and niece while challenging can be resolved by setting reasonable performance parameters for your self.
As Ralph Kramden knew well, " A man's home is his castle." It is not unreasonable to demand respect in one's own home. Nor is it unreasonable
to set aside the feelings of others when demanding respect in one's own home.
Your appear to an intelligent person that allows emotion to prevail over logic.
Let me share some of my personal stands for your assessment.
In my home, I set standards.
I am honored by the presence of guests in my home. They are given royal
treatment and I bend to accommodate them and their peccadilloes.
I draw the line when my standards are violated. Those showing disrespect for
"The king of the castle" are dropped from the invitation list. Abusive language toward me or mine is a violation of my rules. My home, my castle, my rules, and let the chips fall where they may.
Accept my regrets for your medical condition and my encouragement to keep up the fight. Your sister, by your account, falls somewhere between insensitive and hostile screwball.
Quote, "My sister says they've done nothing wrong and I'm the only person with whom they can't get along."
That is what a school of piranha says to the horse that becomes dinner. And
when they get really hungry they eat their own.
They have done something wrong. They failed to show respect for the queen of the castle - wrong, unaffectionate pinching - wrong, photos taken and
posted - wrong, Tolerating a child-molesting husband - insane, possibly criminal - wrong. Need I go on?
You do not have to maintain the illusion of family happiness, nor do you have
to declare open warfare. Silence in public and a spiny posture in private may get the job done.
After all these years, your sister is not likely to change but a strong message might get her attention.
Inform your niece that you are her aunt not her girlfriend - she should act accordingly.
Your husband and mother support your position. Tell Sister Dearest that you
are too busy, too infirm, and/or too smart to tolerate her abuse, her daughters "bitch" calling and the stench that rubs off from her child-molesting husband.
You should not cut them out of your life forever. You should minimize them until they see the light.
Let me know how you make out.
Everybody's Uncle
ALTERNATIVE THEORY OF GRAVITY...
Everybody's Uncle,
A friend of mine wishes to publish his alternative theory of Gravity but not in
Science Fiction magazines. Although he has no professional degrees he has a scientific and academic background. It is a fact that there is yet no known
scientific proof of what gravity really is. My friend's theory paper is not mathematically explained but scientifically and strongly believes it could prove very
valid in today's scientific thinking. He is afraid that most popular science magazines won't accept his theory for publishing, as he has no academic degrees.
My question is where could he possibly make his theory known?
(Friend of Newton II}
--------------------------
Dear friend of Newton II,
History is replete with great breakthroughs in every field. I encourage all my nieces and nephews to explore their areas of interest. Most innovators do not
achieve recognition on their first attempt. They encounter obstacles and/or harsh criticism before hitting their peak. Suggesting that the world was not flat was considered heresy back when.
Your friend should be advancing his own cause. HE must drive his theory forward - not you. Nice of you to help - but you have to serve your own ambitions.
He can make anything he wants known on the Internet. Establishing a website is relatively inexpensive. Put his theory in public view and persevere, persevere, persevere.
Everybody's Uncle
Everybody's Uncle
Alex and I have been married five years and we cannot have children. We are both
in our early thirties, and all of our friends have started a family. We are beginning to be included less and less with our friends who have children and we feel left out. Should we consider adoption?
(Left Out)
---------------------------------------------
Dear Left Out,
The only reason to adopt a child is the overwhelming need to love and nurture in spite of the uncertainties and responsibilities of parenthood.
Please, do not adopt a child to "fit in." The fact that this is a consideration suggests some serious rethinking.
There is great joy in the support roles of uncle and aunt (and lots more free
time). Friends always need baby sitters (enlightening basic training). There is no stronger friendship cement than baby sitter/friends. True friendships
are not based on children or lack thereof. Couples that can discuss nothing but their children are, frankly, boring. Bring a picture of your goldfish and go
on and on about his beautiful fins and colors - that will make the point.
Evaluate your career commitments and life goals both economic and leisure.
How will work and child care be divided between you and your husband? How will a child's needs effect your life style and retirement plans?
Think deeply, get the best medical advice, but do not adopt for the wrong reason.
All the best,
Everybody's Uncle
Everybody's Uncle,
My husband has two sons, one is 41 and the other is 39. Both are very successful in their chosen fields. Their grandmother is 89 and has to go into an assisted living
facility. The cost is over $2000.00 per month. Her income is $730.00 per month. My husband and I have been contributing $300.00 per month for her current living
expenses and can not afford more than that. I asked his two sons how much if anything they would be willing to contribute to their grandmother's monthly living
expenses and they both said "not one cent". One of them added "not even a bag of groceries". The other added that, "I had some big balls to even ask them".
Was I wrong in asking? Is so uncommon for family members to gather together and contribute any amount of money to care for a loved one in their old age?
(Unsigned)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear unsigned,
I applaud your generosity in care of grandma. It is not wrong to ask
grandchildren to contribute to such care. However, the grandchildren are under no obligation to contribute. Based on the comments quoted above, the
grandsons have low regard for their grandmother. The bond or lack thereof between grandma and her grandchildren is the pivotal factor.
Perhaps you are guilty of one of the most common errors in personal
relationships -- unrealistic expectations. Each of us has the right to set personal priorities but must be cautious about requiring others to live by our standards.
I have no statistics to share but would be surprised if many grandchildren step up to the plate in support of grandparents. In this case raising almost a $1000 per month seems entirely unrealistic.
I suggest you make plans to provide for your own retiring years. Children have no legal obligation to care for their parents, never mind grandparents or stepmothers.
Medicare and Medicaid are better places to look for assistance.
Good luck,
Everybody's Uncle
Everybody's Uncle,
I came across your website among several others while searching for advice columns. It seems to me that you mostly give reasonable, rational advice to
people who are in desperate need of it. However, I came across one item in your archives, which I found disturbing, namely, that you categorized "drug use" as
something that is "inherently harmful", or something of the sort.
Granted, I am rather young (23) and may simply represent relaxed morals among
my generation, which is what people my parents' age tend to say when I attempt to bring up this topic with them. But I feel very strongly that drug use (as opposed
to abuse, which is almost always harmful to the user and/or the user's loved ones) is not inherently harmful, and I wondered if a reasonable, rational-seeming person
such as yourself might explain to me the logic behind such a position.
I do not under any circumstances condone the horrible things that drugs to do
people. I sympathize with innocents who have been harmed in the horror of the crack epidemic; I feel genuinely sorry for parents whose children steal from them
to buy drugs, and I condemn any of the other widely-publicized extremes in which drug use can result.
But alcohol can also result in these things and worse, as it tends to lead to
domestic violence. Does that mean moderate alcohol use should be prohibited? Of course not.
I have been a recreational drug user for five years of my life. During those five
years, I have graduated with honors after a four-year college career, embarked on a successful marriage, successfully relocated across the continent, and found a
secure and stable job. If anything, occasional drug use has helped me to relax or get perspective during some of those major changes. In no way have I been
harmed by them, and my friends tend to be people with similar experiences.
Historically, many cultures have ritualistically used many types of drugs for
therapeutic and religious purposes, without harm to the individuals involved or to the fabric of the society.
As to the physical dangers of drug use, there is a wealth of data supporting either
side of that debate; also, the lengthy list of possible side effects that accompanies TV drug commercials should prove that even a generally helpful substance can have some unpleasant effects as well.
I do not necessarily expect that this letter will be printed on your site as it deals
with a controversial topic and is somewhat lengthy. But if you have time for a personal response, I would appreciate one. You seem like a person of reason, yet I
see no logic in your universal condemnation of the drugs that are currently illegal in today's society. I am always interested in seeing the "other side" of issues,
however, and because of my faith in your intelligence am curious as to your reasons for holding the views that you express about drug use. Almost anything
can be dangerous in the wrong hands, Uncle, but that doesn't make drugs "inherently harmful".
Sincerely,
Not an Addict
````````````````````````````````````````````````````
Dear Not an Addict:
I will respond to your inquiry [line for line].
I came across your website among several others while searching for advice
columns. It seems to me that you mostly give reasonable, rational advice to people who are in desperate need of it. However, I came across one item in your
archives which I found disturbing, namely, that you categorized "drug use" as something that is "inherently harmful", or something of the sort.
[Thank you for your assessment of my advice as "reasonable, rational." I
differentiate between drug use and drug abuse. Drug use tends to be legal and prudent. Drug abuse leans toward illegal and/or imprudent. Neither is inherently harmful; either can be imprudent.
Your weak word is "disturbing," it volunteers an emotional element in your
position. Our laws and a majority of people may be disturbed by opinions like yours, but emotional arguments, as I am sure you are aware, dance endlessly
in illogical circles. Emotions can enhance a good argument but falter as a foundation.]
Granted, I am rather young (23) and may simply represent relaxed morals among
my generation, which is what people my parents' age tend to say when I attempt to bring up this topic with them. But I feel very strongly that drug use (as opposed
to abuse, which is almost always harmful to the user and/or the user's loved ones) is not inherently harmful, and I wondered if a reasonable, rational-seeming person
such as yourself might explain to me the logic behind such a position.
[If you submit that you reflect relaxed morals, why not aspire to the high road
? As a young man, why not give your parents some points for the wisdom they have acquired over the years? The fact that you are "disturbed" and "feel very
strongly" about recreational drug use carries little weight in an argument seeking logical conclusion. Emotions used as foundations are easy-pickings
for an experienced debater. Your parents love and concern are emotions that you seem to ignore while asking then to recognize your emotions about illegal drug use –hmmm.
You attribute the phrase "inherently harmful" to me but fail to site the source
or context. Then, you modify or qualify with, "Or something of the sort." Then again, you want me to explain YOUR interpretation of MY words. I won't
attempt the impossible but I will give the logic behind my negative conclusions regarding recreational drug use.
Friends that were recreational users:
Neighbors: Age 35, died of overdose
Age 30, died of overdose
Young married couple:
She was one of the most beautiful young women I ever met - died age 26, overdose.
He stole from his parents - tens of thousands in jewelry and some cash. They
sold a luxurious home to pay for his legal defense for dealing in drugs. Both died at about age 56. He went to prison. At age 30 he looked more like 50.
Family friend:
Moved from recreational to addict. Cost family hundred of thousands of
dollars in legal and rehab fees. Ruined family financially. Died age 28.
Brothers and close friends:
After some recreational use of marijuana, one brother, in mid-twenties, ate a
can of cat food and thought it was the best tuna he ever tasted. Both quit and went on to become successful businessmen.
Business associate:
After developing a multi-million dollar business, took up recreational cocaine
use. Just prior to his death he was using an ounce per day. Died age 45 leaving a son 11 and daughter 14.
Conclusions:
All users start out as recreational users.
Those still among the living quit early on.
None knew or admitted they had gone from recreational to addict.
Most died impacting children and family.
Some can use drugs and quit before it is too late.
Some children can play with matches and not get burned.
It is not a question of "inherently harmful" it is about making wise decisions.]
I do not under any circumstances condone the horrible things that drugs to do people.
[Your purchase of illegal drugs supports a black market that ruins lives and, in
total, negatively impacts our society. You may not condone it; you just support it.]
I sympathize with innocents who have been harmed in the horror of the crack
epidemic; I feel genuinely sorry for parents whose children steal from them to buy drugs, and I condemn any of the other widely-publicized extremes in which drug use can result.
[Your feelings are in the right place, but feelings count for little in a logical
debate. It is the wisdom of your drug use that is in question.]
But alcohol can also result in these things and worse, as it tends to lead to
domestic violence. Does that mean moderate alcohol use should be prohibited? Of course not.
[The abuse of alcohol is a serious matter that should bring more severe
consequences. The fact that we have one demon in our society does not mean Frankenstein must invite Dracula. You can make an equation between moderate alcohol and moderate pot use, but cocaine, heroin, and drugs of
that ilk are in another league.]
I have been a recreational drug user for five years of my life. During those five
years, I have graduated with honors after a four-year college career, embarked on a successful marriage, successfully relocated across the continent, and found a
secure and stable job. If anything, occasional drug use has helped me to relax or get perspective during some of those major changes.
[What is lacking here is a definition of "occasional use." I have a drop-dead
-drunk friend who swears that I just don't know how to party. To the best of my knowledge no scientific test has shown illicit drugs to improve cognitive abilities. Perspectives are subjective.]
In no way have I been harmed by them, and my friends tend to be people with similar experiences.
[The testimony of groups of people that perform any illegal act usually
rationalize the illegal activity. The fact that you surround yourself with drug users weighs negativity in my judgement.]
Historically, many cultures have ritualistically used many types of drugs for
therapeutic and religious purposes, without harm to the individuals involved or to the fabric of the society.
[Historically, many cultures have ritualistically held slaves, killed witches and
heretics that said the earth was not flat - they used drugs too. Please send me the list of today's great societies woven with a fabric of pervasive drug use.]
As to the physical dangers of drug use, there is a wealth of data supporting either
side of that debate; also, the lengthy list of possible side effects that accompanies TV drug commercials should prove that even a generally helpful substance can have some unpleasant effects as well.
[There are some data supporting the recreational use of marijuana.
Libertarians promote the view that most or all drug use is personal. Needle exchange programs exist. That said, the vast majority of science, opinion, law
, and foreign experimentation fail to make a case for legalization of “hard core” drugs.
True, drugs have side effects. A very small percentage of people will die from
smallpox vaccine, but countless millions of lives have been saved. Illegal hard core drug usage brings addiction, devastation and death to millions -- and
recreational highs to a few. There are positives and negatives to be found in virtually all propositions. Clinging to one positive in a field of negatives does not prove equivalency.
There are three possibilities when flipping a coin; heads, tails, and edge. As a
child, I flipped a nickel on a tabletop and it came to rest on its edge. Still, I call heads or tails in all coin flips.
The fact that some individuals escape the “heads and tails” of drug use, does
not bring logic to life on the “edge.”]
I do not necessarily expect that this letter will be printed on your site as it deals
with a controversial topic and is somewhat lengthy. But if you have time for a personal response, I would appreciate one. You seem like a person of reason, yet I
see no logic in your universal condemnation of the drugs that are currently illegal in today's society.
[I take pleasure in this somewhat lengthy response. Controversial discourse
can be mind opening. Your narrow observation sees “no logic” in my position; my broader insight allows a little logic in yours. My condemnation of illegal
drugs is not “universal,” rather, respectful of “heads and tails” versus “edge.”]
I am always interested in seeing the "other side" of issues, however, and because
of my faith in your intelligence am curious as to your reasons for holding the views that you express about drug use. Almost anything can be dangerous in the wrong
hands, Uncle, but that doesn't make drugs "inherently harmful".
[Almost anything can be harmless in the right hands, nephew, but that
doesn’t make illegal drug use inherently innocuous.
Jimism: “Be wary the absolute”
To keep an open mind and score debating points allow some logic in the
opponent’s position. I can no more prove that drugs are inherently harmful than you can prove they are inherently innocuous.
For the purpose of this discussion I will regard the words, “inherently harmful” as an absolute.
Don’t require your opponent to prove an absolute. You will lose a lot of cases
because you are requiring the impossible.
Nor should you create an absolute for yourself. When you accuse your
opponent of “no logic”(an absolute), all he has to do is provide one piece of “logic” and your position is weakened (reasonable doubt).
The issue here is not about “inherently harmful.” It is about the decision
making process. Reckless driving is not always fatal. Sky diving, Scuba diving, Stunt Man, Tightrope Walker, Lion Tamer, are assigned higher premiums by
insurance companies. Degree of risk is a fact of life and underwriting.
You call yourself a recreational user, but you fail to define recreational use.
What drugs are used? Is heroin on the same plane as pot? How often do you indulge? Twice a year? Once a month? Every week? To what degree? Hard
core? Why are all of your friends of similar mind? Are you aware that most drug users don’t know when recreation becomes addiction? Are you aware of
the blinding ability of denial? Is it more than recreational after five years? How about ten?
Each of us has the right to make decisions for themselves. If I were your
parent, I would respect your right to make your drug use decisions. I would also ask you to respect my right to disown and disinherit you if your recreational drug use surfaces as a problem.]
With all due respect,
Everybody’s Uncle
January 16, 2003 - Reply from ‘Not an Addict’ in response to this post.
Everybody's Uncle,
I am the author of the "Not an Addict" letter that you just responded to on your website; you indicated that you were interested in my reaction, so here it is.
[Thank you for your comments. I appreciate your response and am pleased to post your thoughts and observations.]
First, I thank you for pointing out some of the emotional basis of my argument. I
am not a seasoned debater, nor have I any law training, so your advice will help me more solidly ground my position in facts, should I choose to debate this topic in the future.
[My goal is not to tell my nieces and nephews "what to think," rather "how to think." My responses address the inquiries but are intended to provide
something of value to all readers. Debating skills require insight into the opponent's position and tactics. This is central to winning debates and forces
anticipation of the opposing view. Knowing the opponents "weapons" is priceless in counter-attack and revealing of weaknesses in one's own propositions.]
Next, you mentioned that I did not cite the source from which I took the quotation
about your position. I got it from a letter in your "Home/School" section, where your response to a parent whose daughter wanted to dye her hair pink included
three categories of "cultural shift". One of these was "intrinsically harmful, ex. drugs". This is what I based my position on.
[Thank you for chapter and verse. While I am philosophically aware of avoiding absolutes, endless employ of qualifiers makes for ponderous text.
The context of my quote was incidental to the subject of pink hair. A child, with teen-wisdom, using drugs; violates the law, school parameters, and
parental standards.{Note the omission of a qualifier. MOST parents, not all, advise against drugs. Also, "ex. drugs," does not exempt sanctioned cough
medicine and aspirin, but the context implies illegal drugs.} In that context, "intrinsically harmful" does not, in my judgment, demand a qualifier.]
I am not advocating full legality of drugs like heroin or cocaine; I was simply trying
to say that moderation in anything is not usually harmful and that drugs must be abused to be harmful rather than being harmful "intrinsically".
[Note your use of "full" and "anything." If I hold you to the same standard that you hold me, our discussion becomes more semantic than topical.]
As to great societies built on a fabric of drug use, I would suggest Native American
society, but I am not enough of a historian to debate the greatness of their society so I offer that only as a tentative assertion that at least one such society has existed.
[I have neither the desire nor knowledge to debate what defines a great society. Greatness is in the eye of the beholder.]
I am saddened to hear that drugs have negatively affected so many people in your
life; it certainly provides a compelling reason for such views as yours. However, I feel that an equal tragedy is a man with HIV who uses medical marijuana to combat
the nausea induced by his medications; he is arrested for such drug use and chokes on his own vomit in jail because he was denied a medicine that truly helped him (this is a story personally known to me).
[I have no ethical problem with medically sound uses of substances that help people in dire circumstances. The medical and legal community should not be
at odds when patient welfare is the highest priority. Two years ago I lost a close relative to cancer. There is NOTHING {almost} I would have withheld
that would have relieved her final suffering. We do have some common ground.]
I guess my point is that a sane drug policy would somehow prevent tragedies of
that nature while also preventing tragedies such as have befallen your friends and business associates.
[Here we part company. In every case, the individuals made what they
considered sane choices. The law was not a factor in their decisions, just as it is not a factor in yours. Who decides "sane," -- me, you, The Taliban?]
Regarding my own use, when I say "recreational" I mean a low dose of psychedelics
three or four times a year, plus one night per year that I splurge and use cocaine. This has been a pattern in my life for the five years I have been a user, and I have no desire to vary that.
[I disagree with your judgment.]
I thank you also for pointing out the fallacy of my use of absolutes.
[My service to an inquiring 23 year old.]
I think the error there was my choice of words, as I am not a libertarian and do not advocate the immediate legalization of all drugs. I did not intend to set up an absolute on either side of the debate; rather, my whole point was a moderate drug
policy that was neither draconian nor so open as to invite further harm to society from problems like crack.
["Immediate legalization." Does that imply eventual legalization?
"A moderate drug policy." Moderate is relative to perspective. Who decides, the old and experienced or the child with pink hair?
"Problems like crack." There are, no doubt, those who would make a case for occasional recreational use.]
Our debate was educational to me and I thank you again for pointing out some of the flaws of my position as I stated it to you. Keep up your good work, as the world
needs more sane voices out there.
[I'll do my best - promise.]
Incidentally, you erroneously assumed I was male. This has no bearing on my
argument, but if it isn't too much trouble could you sometime let me know which aspects of my story led you to that conclusion? I am just curious; if I have taken up enough of your time I understand.
Respectfully,
Brooke
[I look for two messages in communication. The words put forth and what the style and presentation reveal about the author. In your writing I saw
education, ego, some sarcasm, warmth in a hard shell, youthful exuberance, honesty, an open mind, blinding subjectivity, pride, goal seeking, an intellect
that can be reached, and unlimited potential. These qualities must have rung more male than female. I never actually considered gender.
I am delighted that you took the time to respond. Feel free to take up as much of my time as serves your purposes - NIECE!]
All the best,
Everybody's Uncle
Dear EU:
I've just about had it with my sister-in-law. My husband (I'm 38 and he's 46) and I have been married eight months and couldn't be happier with each other. SIL has
fought us every step of the way. This past Friday, when there was a wedding in their family, I was not invited because there was "no room." I'll admit this hurt me
because of "old stuff;" I was an ugly and unpopular kid, and people have been using that "no room" excuse since I was in high school, whether there actually was room
or not. Yet I told my husband I wanted him to go and have a good time.
Before SIL showed up, my mother dropped by and mentioned that she would be
hurt if her husband did not say, "Include my wife, or I don't go." My husband decided he agreed with her, and this is exactly what he told his sister when she
arrived. SIL proceeded to scream at me about forcing my husband to choose between me and his family. She then informed my husband that he was not happy
married to me. He said yes he was, and she answered, "No, you're not. I know you better than that. There's conflict in your face."
Well, of course there is going to be conflict in his face if his sister is screaming at his wife. I mentioned this to my brother later, and he said, "The smeller is the
feller. She's the one forcing him to choose. Anyone who wasn't trying to manipulate him would have recognized the awkwardness of the situation and apologized, instead of automatically getting mad."
I even went and got my husband's shoes for him, telling him again that I wanted him to go. SIL said, "No, you'd better not. You'd catch 20 kinds of hell when you
get back." This simply was not true, but she did not believe me. I explained about my mother's visit, but she continues to blame me. I don't think she should be
holding me responsible for what my mother says.
As for my husband, he says it isn't even my mother's fault.
The end result is this. SIL said to talk things over, so we did. We decided (his
suggestion) to put her phone number on call-block, and if she ever shows her face around here again, we're calling the police. No one is going to stand in my home
and scream at me, accusing me of things that aren't true.
Is there a way to get her to stop blaming me?
Unsigned
```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
Dear Unsigned,
High school was decades ago and all but irrelevant at this time in this circumstance. The "no room" excuse is nonsense and rightfully taken as an
insult. Your approval of your husband's solo attendance at such affairs is broadminded on your part.
Mom's objection is well founded. Marriage is the joining of two people as one.
Propriety dictates that invitations be extended jointly to married couples. Your husband's notice to his sister is a totally proper response to her insult.
Your sister-in-law's screaming (in your home yet) reflects ignorance in both style and substance. Your husband by virtue of marriage holds you in first
place legally, emotionally, morally and traditionally. Those unaware of this social norm are ignorant beyond words. In addition to her empty-headed
ranting she claims psychic powers. Tell her to concentrate on next week's winning lottery numbers and leave facial conflict to those facially conflicted.
Both your mom and your husband seem to have the right mindset. You seem a little shaky.
Politely inform your sister-in-law that she must respect your marriage. Buy
her an etiquette book for Christmas. Nothing could be more appropriate.
Don't waste two seconds trying to get your sister-in-law to stop blaming
anybody about anything. Define yourself and live up to your ideals. As long as you aspire to high standards - who cares what anybody thinks?
Here if you need me,
Everybody's Uncle
Everybody's Uncle,
I have been hung up on the same guy for over 4 years. We have dated on and off. He always wants me in his life but in the end he won't give me what I want right
now. He is not ready to commit and he is 28 years old. He always wants to spend time with me but then he takes my presence for granted and puts me behind
everyone else around because he knows I will always be there. Do you think I should walk away?
Unsigned
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Unsigned,
Don't walk---RUN! My advice to all my nieces is to start with the assumption
that men are based on hormones and egos. If you are satisfying either one or both of his "needs" while he has danced around your needs for four years -
what are you doing in this relationship? Hung up, or hung out - to dry? Please know the difference.
It is not unusual for men to duck marriage for whatever reason, but with
today's relaxed social and sexual standards men can drag the anchor almost indefinitely. Your biggest mistake is your "always be there" mindset. Even if
you get nothing, will you "always be there" waiting for the next crumb? Can "always" endure neglect, indifference, disrespect, and perhaps abuse?
What's in it for you? Emotions are wonderful but at some point logic should prevail.
The general outline for happiness is:
Define your ideal self
Work toward becoming that ideal self
Be your own person - self-defined and totally self-supporting.
Then seek a mate!
When the right person comes along, you he will be exactly what he is looking for.
Wishing for your self-respect to prevail,
Everybody's Uncle
Hi
Am looking to engage to my girlfriend, she's already said yes. But i need to tell her parents, unfortunately they live far away, i told them over the phone and they said
i should put it in writing, the question is i don't know how to write it. please can u help?
My email is [withheld]
Thank u
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Al,
Welcome to America.
In this culture, adults engage and marry without written notice to parents. You informed your intended in-laws of your engagement plans; our culture is satisfied but there are other considerations.
If the culture (or the family) of your intended bride suggests or demands written notice, please weigh the impact of non-compliance. Is there a dowry or gift in the balance? What social problems hang in the decision?
Your question asks how to write, not if.
Do not consider E-mail. Your excruciatingly casual text (unedited, above) brings a chat-room mindset to a supposedly serious question. Attention to
propriety wins favor; gross informality fails universally with an online uncle, intended in-laws, and other cultures.
Nephew, estimate what your audience (in-laws or the world) wants. Define
yourself in terms of where you will fight, yield, or negotiate. Then, "play to your audience." Present yourself honestly, politely, credibly and respectfully.
If you do that, maybe your in-laws will pay for the wedding.
If you decide to send written notice, write a rough draft and send it to me. I will edit it to my standards.
Good luck,
Everybody's Uncle
[Uncle Jim's comments are interspersed in brackets]
[The following inquiry displays the weakness of an argument that violates a General Rule of debate.
Do not use an assumption as underpinning for an argument. Assumptions may be accurate but are assumptions nonetheless. A worthy debater can focus on an assumption and, with honed debating skills, debunk the
mechanism and muddy the underlying reality.
Attorneys win cases by offering proof where the counterpart offers assumption or biased conclusion. Bring facts to an argument. Assumptions
are easy prey for the skilled debater.]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Everybody's uncle,
I have known this woman for almost 40 years. I am very close to her twin sister. I am 45 years old. She asked me to go for a walk with her on a Sunday. I was very
excited to visit with her, as her schedule is very busy, as is mine. I E-mailed her saying how excited I was, and that I was going to make dinner, bought some wine, and was really looking forward to our visit.
[She asked for a walk. You changed her invitation to include dinner.]
On the appointed Sunday, she still hadn't called at 11 AM, so I called her. She was
still in bed with her lover, and said she would go for a walk, but she was bringing her lover.
[You invited Katy (below). She invited her boy friend. You are annoyed. You
assumed girls only. She didn't. You are annoyed.]
Well, I assumed it was a girls day out, and I said "Oh" to which she said, "I can't leave my guy" sort of smugly.
[Assumed! "Smugly," is your impression.]
Let me add that she enjoys telling all of us about how much, what kind, and where
at, she has sex with this guy. Secretly, we wonder why she brags (me and 5 other women friends).
[Secretly? Among six women? Could this be gossip? What relevance does it have in this forum?]
Anyway, our friend Katy and I went for a walk without her. I was really upset that once again she chumped me. So when she invited me over later in the week, I told her:
[Instead of accepting her tacit apology, invitation and possible opportunity for discussion, you moved to the, "I'll show her," mode]
Dear Lisa-
In the original letter you sent, you asked me to go for a walk with the
dogs. After almost 40 years of friendship, I assume when you ask me to go for
a walk you don't mean with your guy as well.
[Assume! Dramatic violins swell in the background playing, "If This is Friendship."]
I mean really, [adds to drama] when the girls are planning something, someone
always clarifies, "is it for the guys too?" If men were to be included, I assume you would have asked me AND Jeff to go for a walk. So, when you don't ask Jeff to go
as well, I can only assume it is a girl thing. Which is why I invited Katy, since the three of us always have so much fun when we walk together.
[Assume! She asked you to go for a walk. You added dinner and Katy. Maybe she and Katy are catfighting. Maybe she wanted to have some private time with you.]
Especially when it's us and the dogs. The last time we walked together with the
dogs, it was us two, and before that, it was Katy as well. I called Carol as well, but she was unavailable.
[She invited you. You added Katy and Carol to the walk. This was her invite not yours!]
I was really really hurt at your glib reply.
[One "really" is really enough. Glib is your impression. Crank up violins.]
You see me only once every couple of months and you cannot seem to be without
Rodney for two maybe three hours to connect with old friends. I was almost in tears over it.
[Violins to crescendo....pooooooooor me! You see HER only once every
couple of months but you invited Katy and Carol. I would write the tears out of the script.]
So, please don't be coy. You blew it. I certainly am trying not to say anything that
would hurt your feelings, okay?
[You are not trying but you are succeeding nicely.]
I need to cool off for a while because I am so offended by your behavior, so I must
say that I am sorry, I won't be able to join you this week.
[Gee Beaver...do you think I'm overplaying my hand?]
[Let the catfight continue.]
This is what she replied with:
It's always about you right! Plans have to made your way, your timing your everything; well frankly I'm sick of it. When you can grow up and not be so controlling I'll want to do something with you too.
[Snarl, scratch, hiss...]
I like spending time with Rodney, I spent my entire marriage to Mark making "other
plans." I don't want to be in a relationship that I can't wait to get away from. You seem very bitter and sour. Maybe you should look at ways of becoming happier.
[...hiss...snarl...scratch...]
So, in conclusion. I tried to let her know that I thought her reply to me was out of line, but she just doesn't get it. She sent me some jokes as though nothing was the
matter, and I told her that I couldn't allow her to treat me like a doormat, to which she replied "I think you need someone to be your doormat". So I gave up.
[...hiss...doormat...snarl...doormat...]
I blocked her e-mails, and I won't have anything to do with her. She tells people she resents me for not going to her birthday party.
[hiss...block...birthday party...hiss...hiss]
She claims I brag about my salary (not true-that would be impolite; but I do live in
a nice house and have some nice things, but I am merely a letter carrier for the USPS, and we drive very used cars and don't vacation much except for camping) I
am not the only person she has known for so long that has seen her personality deteriorate, her twin is included, and two other very old close friends. What do we do?
[...hiss...poor me...hiss...twin...hiss...hiss]
[Unsigned,]
-- -- -- -- -- -- --
Dear Unsigned, Lisa, Katy, Carol and Jeff,
This is adolescent catfighting at its finest. She, discussing her sex life with semi-friends who post it on the Internet, is a tribute to multiple-immaturity. How this relationship endured for 40 years challenges Einstein's theory of
"relationshiptivity."
Friendships, at the adult level, are based upon mutual trust and respect. None of us are perfect; each will fail on occasion. It is the magnitude,
frequency, and consequences of the failings that define a relationship. You can elect to ignore, minimize or tolerate petty failings or exaggerate them to
terminal velocity. Somewhere in the middle is corrosive gossip-fat. Who should have known what about appointments, boy friends, dinners, walks,
and dogs is subject to the perspective of the catfighter at bat. Parents deal with this when the twins make claim to one of a pair of identical rattles.
Her sex life, your salary, her twin, and your friends, are barely tangential to the broken appointment of your complaint. A general rule of problem
resolution is defining the problem as narrowly as possible, not bringing everything but next week's weather forecast into the fray.
The endless trail of I said, she said, in your post does nothing toward
resolution.
This might:
Define yourself.
Is my level of integrity, commitment and track record such that I can attract and cling to FRIENDS with similar high standards?
Do I put minor transgressions of ACQUAINTANCES into proper perspective?
Do I wallow in the gossip and infighting that offers no promise but more of the same?
Regrettably, most of your inquiry falls into the last category. Many postures follow the word "assume." Assumptions are not facts.
You might want to sit with your peers and move toward an adult level of friendship. You can set rules about confidentiality, trust, positive critique and
all that is good and holy. Or you can each grab a pacifier and run to your corner of the sandbox.
Everybody's Uncle
*****************
Hello once again,
I've been asked to put this question to you by my sister-in-law. She lives on a cul-de-sac, but she has 4 or 5 neighbors that are not exactly next door but are able
to determine where the sound of a dog barking would be coming from.
Which brings me to the problem. She has a Rottweiler. For only 10 min. at 11:00 p
.m. one night they had their dog doing his business outside their door, but he was barking. An unknown neighbor called the police. My sister-in-law got perturbed at
this and starting cursing at the police. She wanted to know who called them but the police refused to divulge that info, not wanting to cause a feud. After the
police left, she walked up and down the street saying that whomever called the police, "SUCKED."
She wants to know if there is a way for her to find out, legally, who called the
police and if not what steps "should she have taken." She's very irked by this incident.
I've been very satisfied by your help with "my" problems in the past and would
appreciate it if you could supply her with a solution.
By the way, the town is Piscataway, NJ, if that would be of any help to you.
Thanks a lot,
Vinny
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Vinny,
Here are some general guidelines:
A. People, with and without dogs, have the right to peaceful enjoyment of their property.
B. Communities set standards for times (often, 10:00 PM) and noise levels
(loud cars, motors, or music amplification) that disturb the peace.
C. Screaming at the police that are just doing their job is not apt to have positive results.
D. Yelling obscenities in the middle of the street after 11:00 at night could result in a court appearance if a neighbor or the police made a formal complaint.
A barking dog at 11:00 at night can disturb other households and is likely in violation of community standards. People retire early, children need their rest, and some just don't want to hear a dog barking.
Generally speaking, people don't call the cops for a one-time barker. Odds are that this 10-minute period was one of many, perhaps a nightly ritual honoring the dog's circadian rhythm.
If your sister-in-law was in violation of the community standards, the neighbors were within their rights to report the transgression to the police.
Screaming at the police is counterproductive. No one likes to be screamed at, especially when they are just performing their duty. Police are trained to
tolerate bad attitudes but it is a fair bet that screamers are on their "lunatic list."
The police in this case were acting more socially than legally. Unless a
complaint is signed, social considerations may be in play. Neighbors often prefer to make an informal complaint rather than take a neighbor into court regarding a barking dog or similar quality of life complaint.
Your sister-in-law, by shouting obscenities, has probably alienated several families that will happily support each other if a formal complaint is made. To
put it simply, she will lose in court, because she is in violation and has a loud, obscene, disrespectful, mouth for neighbors and the police. Not a winning hand.
There is no simple way, to my knowledge, to find out who made the complaint nor should she try. To what end? The complainant did nothing wrong. He/she called the cops with cause. In fact, keeping the complaint
"informal" was a favor. Signing a formal complaint would have resulted in a court appearance wherein your sister-in-law could be fined, reprimanded and
warned about taking any action against the plaintiff(s).
The fact that your sister-in-law is "perturbed" and "irked" is regrettable since
she is clearly the offending party, not the neighbors. Most incarcerated individuals are perturbed and irked at the cops, judges and juries that
prosecuted them. A bank robber would be perturbed and irked if your sister-in-law blew the whistle on him. Perturbed and irked are emotions - not requiring logic and given little weight in judging right and wrong.
What she should do is:
Rethink her position,
Understand that she is the offending party,
Apologize to her neighbors,
Apologize to the police,
Control her dog,
Abandon all notions of finding out who called the cops,
Realize the folly of being perturbed and irked at neighbors reacting properly to her misconduct.
Good luck,
Everybody's Uncle
Everybody's Uncle,
First let me tell you how much I enjoyed your radio show about older people searching for a job. I was in the same situation a little while ago and was lucky
enough for something to fall into my lap - so to speak.
My problem is more personal. I lost my husband a year ago at the age of 59 of a
sudden and unexpected heart attack. One minute he was there and the next gone. I miss him terribly and the problem is my kids. They want me to get on with my
life. Well I am as far as I can, I have a new job and am seeking mental health help. Have for the past year.
HOW DO I CONVINCE THEM THAT I HAVE TO GRIEVE AT MY OWN PACE?
Anne
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Dear Anne,
Accept my condolences on the sudden loss of your husband and my applause for your new employment. It sounds like you are on the way to a healthy recovery.
As if you didn't have enough on your plate, your kids want you to get on with your life. I'm sure they have your best interest at heart but are pains in a lower body part nonetheless.
No one can make you recover any faster or slower. You will grieve at your own pace -- kids and counselors not withstanding. How you tolerate your
loss is entirely in your hands, but focus on the positive aspect of caring kids. They too experienced a loss and your ongoing pain, no doubt, tugs on their
emotions. Your pain is their pain. Maybe their concern for you is part of their grieving. Focusing on your pain may alleviate some of theirs.
To answer your question,
HOW DO I CONVINCE THEM THAT I HAVE TO GRIEVE AT MY OWN PACE?
You don't have to convince anybody of anything. But what you should do,
must do, is decide what and who is helpful to you. Time is a big factor, but accepting the irreversibly of your husband's passing with a mind toward recovery is a favorable mindset.
While nothing can replace the man, many things can fill the emptiness. A busy routine that includes work, exercise, a good diet, time with your kids
and grandkids (if any) can and will help if you allow it. Only you can decide whether you are holding on to pain unreasonably.
Busy, busy, busy fills the mind and lets time work its wonders. Retiring at the
end of a tiring day brings a restful sleep -- far better than any pill.
You have choices to make, hang on and suffer, or let go and rebuild. What
would he want? I'm sure you have been told how many positives you have - kids, a job, etc. Focus on those positives as best you can. Nothing wrong with
grieving, but limiting grieving time to a prayerful or reflective period once weekly lets you hang on with respect and let go with purpose.
My best wishes going forward to you and your family,
Uncle Jim
[Thanks for listening. Feel free to call.]
Hello:
I consider you a very intelligent person and therefore I feel you are the only one I know who can answer this with a helpful answer. I would like your expert opinion on
dealing with a 32 yr. old (male) arrogant personality, with antagonistic tendencies (mostly) displayed at family functions. Being that he is the only one in the whole
family that I ignore, he feels that by trying to push my buttons verbally that he can get me to react in a confrontational way.
How do I deal with this person without coming down to his level, which is exactly what he's trying to do? Seems to me that he really hates the fact that I have no
use for him and nothing whatsoever in common with him, being that I am a 50 yr. old man and he is my wife's brother-in-law. I value your opinion.
Now that he sees that verbal snide remarks (off the cuff, asides, etc.) have no effect on me, he has resorted to physical childish acts. Like when my back is
turned he'll come up to me and accidentally on purpose kick me in the heel and make like he wants to ask me something. At a wedding last week, when my back
was turned he comes running to the middle of the dance floor, making sure he gave me a noticeable shove.
Thank you.
Sir,
Preparedness is the key whether you are a Boy Scout or not.
There are several tactics that can be employed.
Make a judgement about whether confrontation will remain verbal if you respond verbally.
If he is actually seeking physical confrontation, simply avoid him. Don't attend gatherings where he is present.
Family gatherings are supposed to be comfortable for all guests. Tell the host, "I don't care to be intimidated at family functions. [His] distasteful conduct
has moved from verbal to physical. I really don't want to be involved in an uncomfortable, potentially confrontational, event at a family gathering."
The host writes the invitations, sets the ground rules and has a responsibility to all guests. A responsible host will take steps to correct the situation. If the
host is willing to tolerate such childish behavior from any guest - why would you want to go there? It does not take an Act of Congress for the host (or any
other guest) to say to the offender, "If you don't like [him] - stay away from him. Don't go looking for trouble."
Your wife could mention his conduct to his wife. [Poor soul, imagine what she
has to put up with.] His wife could tell him, "Stop acting like a jerk. Harassing family members is way out of line."
You could continue to tolerate his childish verbal conduct but physical is
another story. People do not have the right to make physical advances against others - family or not.
Psychology involved:
Aggressiveness unchallenged tends to increase.
Aggressiveness met with firm resistance tends to decrease.
Passive resistance: Stare at the offender, say nothing, remain still. No matter
what he says, say nothing. This technique forces the offender to evaluate your next move. Showing no fear, you send a message of resistance, which
tends to decrease aggressiveness. Smiling augments your passive posture.
Verbal resistance, level one:
Say, in a very controlled tone, "You've been pushing and shoving me. If I've
done something to offend you, tell me what it is and will be happy to explain or apologize... but the pushing and shoving stops now!
Note there is no threat, just a notice of resistance.
Verbal resistance, level two:
A crowd silencing, "DON'T DO THAT!" or " I'VE HAD ENOUGH" should bring sufficient focus to his aggressiveness and embarrass the fool into keeping his
distance. Assuming the family is generally stable, there will be no exchange of blows.
Verbal resistance elevating:
Like a peacock raising his tail feathers, verbal resistance can go to the
screaming, swearing and saber rattling levels. Judgment required.
Physical resistance:
Don't be there. Don't go, or leave at the first sign of aggressive behavior,
with a polite explanation and apology to the host.
Take some martial arts training. There are some easy to learn and very effect control techniques available. Your self-confidence will blossom and family
rumors of your new "hobby" may give all something to think about. In a few months you will be able to make informed decisions about appropriate physical responses.
Good luck,
Everybody's Uncle
Everybody's Uncle,
I have a problem with how much of my assets to leave to my future wife when I
die. This will be my second, and her second, marriage. I told my future wife I wanted her to quit her house cleaning business - she works alone and the work is
hard and she's exhausted at the end of the day. She will not be able to do that work as she gets older. She makes about $30,000 a year and has no assets - she is about $10,000 in debt.
She wants to go back to college and study to become a psychologist - I said fine - I have no problem paying for this - it will take about 8 years, then she be able to get a job in that field at that time.
I have $600,000 in assets and I have cancer. My doctor says I have 5 to 10 years to live. I am 54, and she is 44. I have no retirement plan and I will have to work to
the day I die to support my wife without eroding my assets.
I do have some long-term nursing home insurance to cover some of that expense
should it be needed. I have no life insurance. I would like to have my assets left to my two children and my wife. The two children would receive at least 50% of the
assets and I told my future wife that I would leave her 5% ($30,000 tax free) of my assets for each year we were married, up to 50% total. So in 10 years she would get the full 50% of the assets I have at my death.
I wanted to do this progressive increase because. I thought it was fair to my children and my future wife. I didn't think my spouse should marry me knowing
that in a few years [she will] inherit $300,000. Well she was infuriated. She feels that my proposal is unacceptable. She expects to have enough money to live on
and pay for her schooling until she graduates. She also wants to have a nice house to live in that is paid for. She claims she would be better off if she stays unmarried and continues to do her cleaning business.
Do you think I am being fair with my inheritance? If not, how would you recommend I divide up the assets?
Hugh
----------------------------------------
Dear Hugh,
Accept my sympathy for your prognosis, but there are medical breakthroughs on the horizon that might make 5-10 years look more like 10-20 years or more. Let's hope for the best.
I applaud your concern for those around you, but I suggest moving self-concern to the front burner.
Getting the best medical treatment tops the priority list. It is difficult, if not
ridiculous, for independent children or an independent woman to make demands of you that supercede your personal needs. Your life and your assets are in question. YOU get the highest priority. Expectations of others
run a distant second, very distant
A minimum-stress lifestyle benefits most conditions. Good diet, restful sleep, regular exercise and an uncomplicated life underpin general well-being.
Minimizing your work and stress while maximizing positives is a life style your physicians will endorse. A healthy YOU, with extended longevity, is hard to argue against.
Leaving emotion aside:
Your intended brings $10,000 debt to your relationship - no assets. She expects to live in a paid-off home, go to school for 8 years, produce no
income, enjoy total support and have full marital entitlement to your $600,000. AND she was "infuriated" when you suggested her "benefit package" be phased in.
All this, while you are in a contest for your mortality.
Under the conditions at hand, a loving, devoted woman would be inquiring about the care she could offer in difficult times, not making demands of your
assets. Hugh, time to smell "the cleaning fluid."
Quote:
"She claims she would be better off if she stays unmarried and continues to do her cleaning business."
I don't think SHE would be better off with no assets, $10,000 debt (I'll bet there is more), a tough service job and losing a man who loves her.
YOU, on the other hand, will not have to provide a paid off house, cover her $10,000 debt, provide support, finance 8 years of schooling (dead or alive),
and work until you die for this demanding woman who is "infuriated" by your inheritance phase in program.
Emotions are blinding, even at 54 years old.
To answer your "fairness" question directly:
You earned your assets. They are yours entirely. Therefore, any distribution you devise is "fair."
Jimism: "Fairness is in the eyes of the recipient."
Could it be that your intended plays the role of recipient?
Quote:
"She feels that my proposal is unacceptable."
That is good news. Your proposal is beyond generous. Wish her well in her cleaning business. Make her a gift of two brooms - one for cleaning and one for transportation.
Hugh, you sound like a nice guy who puts others before himself - even in the worst of times. Your inquiry reflects personal discipline. If you passed this
value on to your kids, they have already told you to use your assets for health and pleasure. Leave them anything incidental at the time of your passing, a generation or two from now.
Show this response to your kids. It probably reflects what is on their minds but didn't cross their lips.
Godspeed,
Everybody's Uncle
Everybody's Uncle:
My best friend told me she was having an affair, and is in love with this other man, but won't leave her husband because the new man doesn't make as much money
as her husband. My husband and I have been best friends with this couple for over 4 years, we are more like family than friends.
Her telling me this has caused her and I to become less friendly, I just can't do things with this couple because I feel so guilty around her husband. My husband is
his best friend, and I know if I tell my husband, he's going to tell.
My friend tells her husband that we had a petty argument that's why we're not
seeing each other as much, but her husband and mine are getting pretty suspicious...I mean we used to be together every weekend, now maybe we're together once a month.
What really bothers me is the fact that her husband does everything for her, treats her like a queen and I think if he was a jerk to her, I wouldn't feel so guilty
knowing what I know. I'm so afraid that she's going to get found out, then her husband will find out I knew and hate me for not telling him.
She's just really making him look like a chump (and I tell her this) and she says it would be different if her boyfriend made more money, she'd leave her husband and child.
I don't want to hurt anyone, but my insides are turning over when my husband says something about this couple, or when I run into them...any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks
[unsigned]
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Dear Niece,
Your conscience is in the right place but let's focus on priorities.
How much value should you place upon saving a friendship with a woman (I'll call her, Suzie) that would leave her husband (I'll call him, Sal) and CHILD if her boyfriend had more money?
[Jimism: "If she does it to him, she will do it to me."]
If she has no loyalty to her husband and child, what can mere friends expect?
How would you feel about trusting her with your money, or your child, or your husband? Maybe she thinks he is cute too!
Your relationship with "Suzie" has already deteriorated and may flame out in
the near future. You are clinging to the emotion and circumstance of a four-year bonding, not a genuine friendship. Knowing what you know, if you met "Suzie" tomorrow, would a strong friendship develop?
Suzie is violating your (and society's) moral code...the stronger your code, the less likely you will continue to endure her follies.
Suzie, has a great husband and innocent child, but the mindset of a teenager. The pathetic scenario of "Suzie" leaving "Sal" and her child for the man of her
screams - if he had more money - is the stuff of a high school soap opera called, "Sophomore - or Less"
Encourage "Suzie" to rethink her position and repair the damage before all
the "stuff" hits the fan. Focus on the harm she is doing to her husband and child that love her.
Emphasize, she may wind up with the poor boy by default. She may lose Sal,
her child, her friends, and perhaps her family. Tell Suzie to wake up! Also, back alley lovers tend to take off when faced with turmoil and/or responsibility. Suzie personifies both.
Informing your husband or not, is your judgment. Some men handle these situations well; some do not.
It is likely that Suzie's infidelity will surface. Protecting "Susie" may raise
questions in your husband's mind - you don't need that. Will you lie? Will you be indicted in some way?
Some confidences should fall to a higher calling. Protecting Sal and child, the
innocents, is on a higher plane than protecting "Suzie," the guilty. You don't have to spell out "Suzie's" story in black, white and scarlet letters. You can
use your womanly ability to tell without telling.
What would your husband do if he were informed? Men think twice or more before making any decision on such sensitive information. Nothing is more
devastating to a man than to have his friends know of his wife's wanderings. Most men would eat the silence rather than confront a friend with such information.
Would your husband misuse information you gave him in the strictest marital confidence? A mature man and good friend could help Sal and his child in a
roundabout manner. The teamwork of you and your husband could help save Suzie and Sal's marriage. Your man, your game plan, your call.
"Sal," if informed, might choose denial over accepting the unacceptable. This bombshell to "Sal's" ego and his confrontation with "Suzie" would fracture
your association with them. Sal and Suzie, to salvage their marriage, would probably move out of town. The friendship then falls to emotional and geographic divides.
I don't think "Sal" will hate you if and when he finds out. You sent a clear signal by reducing contact. Let "Suzie" answer whatever questions arise.
"Play your hand" to your husband. Be sure you are not indicted in any cover-up. If it goes nuclear - misery loves company. "Suzie" may paint you the
bad guy in desperate defense or try to take you down out of anger or frustration.
Direct your actions to aiding Sal and his child. Secure your marriage. Suzie
needs help too, but she is the perpetrator, all others are victims of her poor judgement. Suzie needs an uncle to confront her with stark reality, in a proper perspective, with all the dire consequences.
Good luck,
Everybody's Uncle
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